rawakramblings

Ever since we had the little one in the tummy, we've been educating the little one outside the tummy on this thing called 'baby'.

So we showed her YouTube videos on how baby is formed and she loves it! She says sperm out loud and keeps on saying "Baby in the worm! (womb)". Mr. sometimes jokes with her and say "Aisya, you were once a sperm too," and she would say "No! Aisya big girl! You sperm ayah!" Lol.

When we brought her to the doctor, her second visit recently, she was excited. She wanted to look at the screen and so did her daddy and so they both argued to give each other a chance to see 'baby in the worm'. "Ayah, Aisya tak nampak...." "Aisya, ayah tak nampak lah..my turn pulak...." 

These days, randomly, she will come to me and ask,

"Mummy, baby dah nak keluar ke?" 

"Not yet Aisya, only when Mummy's tummy gets bigger and bigger, ok?"

"Oh, belum lagi. Okay,"

One morning, she wakes up and say, "Good morning Mummy! Good morning Baby!" and then kisses my tummy.

Sometimes when I get a litttle bit nausea, she would say, "Mummy, mummy ok ke? Mummy nak muntah ke?" and runs away to grab a towel to pass to me. She will then pat my back a few times, asking me repeatedly if I'm okay.

Once, she grabbed some baby toys and put them on my tummy and said, "Mummy, this toy is for baby ok?"

Yesterday morning, I said "Good morning Aisya!" and she replied "No, I'm Kakak Aisya la,"

I'm not too sure who taught her that but it looks like this 2 years old girl is ready to be a kakak already!

Aisya playing with photo props at Sangkaya Uptown on Saturday. Daddy's Little Girl :)

Yesterday morning, I was looking at the sticker mark in my Quran and wondered, "Why is it taking such a long time for me to finish this? Such a slow-mo. Mr is already finishing his second round,"

And then I told myself, "I'm gonna make sure I khatam this before the little one comes out!,"

There you go - such a random semangat. Semoga semangat berterusan. 

Aisya's Current Age: 2 Years 8 Months
Baby's Current Age: 11 weeks in womb

It's the Diwali celebration today and as usual in Malaysia, every celebration comes with annoying fireworks at night.

While in bed..

"Apa tu, mummy? Terkejut Aisya,"

"Fireworks,"

"Apa tu, mummy?" (In the phase of asking so many questions)

"Come let me show you," and so I showed her videos on fireworks on youtube.

"Ohhhh....."

And then I continued on reading my bedtime book. While she was turning her back here and there, looking for the right sleeping position.

"Mummy, hug Aisya!"

And so I hugged her and a few minutes later, she dozed off to sleep, together with the fireworks blasting off every other minute in the background.

Ironically, putting her to sleep during the noisy nights seems to be easier than any other peaceful night.

For the past one week or so, I've been lying down on the sofa, while doing some work on my laptop but spending most of my time, watching series. Doc told me to rest and I rested, physically and mentally.

I've completed all three season of Devious Maids..Heeee ;)

I LOVE the series because the ladies are soo hot (eventhough they're maids) and because of the mysterious stories behind every rich family in Beverly Hills.

Somehow, noticed that the westerns make an effort in dressing up, even when they're at home. And then I remembered staying over with an Australian family when I was 12 and they too, take dinner time as a time to sit down with the family, dressed up well, even when its just at home.

They seem to put the effort to look good. And I think that's lacking in a lot of us in Malaysia. It is not our tradition.

We dress nicely to go out but we don't do so at home. At home, we ( or at least me ) are at our sloppiest. I enjoy wearing large tshirts (usually belonging to Mr.) with a pair of loose pants. From dinner time till time to sleep. Mr. wears his sarong or his sweatpants.  Oh my, I feel like we both need to make an effort to look good, at least for our partners!

I know they say that when you're comfortable with your partner, you will start being your real self, wearing things that are comfortable, sharing clothes, going to the toilet with the door open. But you know what, there's really nothing wrong with a little bit of effort, right?

Especially referring to us ladies in hijab. We wear hijab modestly, who says that you need to be modest when you're at home? Which is why Arabs, shop for the sexiest lingerie. And when you see the ladies behind the niqab, they're usually very very pretty, with face all make-up, smelling really good, manicured fingernails...even I can sometimes look at them in awe.  All for their husbands, masyaAllah, how noble is that.

There was this one time, when we were watching the Asian Food Channel (AFC), we came about a chef who cooked lamb head in Morroco. Mr. had the craziest idea to give it a try and so during the recent Eid Mubarak, we managed to get two pieces of lamb heads and my dad cooked them and it turned out tender and sweet and everyone loved it! However, not many can stand seeing the head of the lamb and seeing people eating them, so this is a warning before watching the video!

Last Friday, a dear uncle of mine passed away, after fighting various diseases for 4 years. It was a blessing to see the number of people at the solat jenazah in the mosque.

I, on the other hand, just like all other family members were busy with preparations for the funeral: flowers, drinks for guests, greeting and thanking guests, tahlil and all. That night, just before taking my shower, there was a  brown spotting. More than what I had previously. I got worried and panicked.

The last time, it was only a little brown spot, and when I went to see the doctor, doctor told me that I had misabortion - meaning the fetus just stopped growing and died and my body was trying to remove it.

That night, all I oould think of is to see a doctor, to know if the baby is still there or if I have lost it. My parents told me otherwise, to rest in bed and see the doctor the next morning. We hesitated a little but after listening to some doctor's advice, I rested in bed that night, not allowed to walk at all, other than for wudhu' or for toilet.

That night, me and Mr. made lots of prayers, "If this is the best for us, we accept Your decision,". I transferred my cries to being calm and ready for whatever is best for me. Kun Fa Ya Kun - I managed to convinced myself that this time around, I have tried my very best to care for the baby, but if He says that its not time yet, then it is not.

The next morning, we went to see a doctor at 11am. There was that silence between Mr. and me, quietly anxious to know. I was on a wheelchair. Mr got off to the wrong lift. I got annoyed. Our mind was not at the right condition.

When it was time to see the doctor, I took a deep breath, "Bismillah...". He asked us some questions on the last misabortion and on the first pregnancy. He asked if I still had the nausea - yes. Ok, let's do some ultrasound.

I saw the baby, for the first time, as this is our first visit for this pregnancy, yet I was not happy yet, because the last time, the baby was there, but there was no heartbeat. Doctor zoomed in and alhamdulillah, we saw the heartbeat, and we both smiled. 8 weeks and baby is healthy. Doctor noticed a small area of liquid just above the womb and said , "That's probably what is causing the bleeding,".

So doctor gave me a hormone injection and I was on hormone pills, 3 times a day to strengthen my womb. I was told to rest for the whole week, only allowed to walk around the house and most of the time, to just lie down. I've completed a season of Devious Maids and I've placed a few books with me to keep me occupied. It's time to completely rest baby! No need to go to the office, just stay and work from home. No driving. In other words, boredom. But ok, for the sake of the baby.

I haven't really announced to everyone on my pregnancy. Only to some family members. Because I'm worried that I would lost it again. But I like to write about my journey, so whoever reads, you know now. One more month to go till the end of the first trimester, and anything, can happen.

Make dua!

I personally think there's a difference between a businessman/women and an entrepreneur. I think a businessman sells products and there's a lot of them around. However, an entrepreneur creates business that serves a bigger objective. I see entrepreneurs as people with skills and brains, who knows how to empower people. I see entrepreneurs knowing the shortcuts to success. I see entrepreneurs as those who see long term goals and come out with creative brilliant ideas that others don't see.

After a couple of years being in this scene, I have learnt a lot. There are many out there that are short sighted. Only wanting to achieve a higher profit but do not see the importance of establishing a long term relationship. Tamak or Tak Sabar, they say. Which is why they go up high very fast but quickly collapsed too.

There are also out there that do not understand the power of collaboration - that when you work together, you can achieve a bigger and stronger goal. Most companies want to stand up on their own and then bring down others. Typical Malays I guess.

There are also companies that like the idea of selling, but not knowing how much they actually make monthly. They don't emphasize on their monthly financial reports - something that I've also just recently learned.

I personally think there's a difference between those who choose to leave something behind as either fighters or quitters.  I noticed that those who leave the workforce, claiming to 'try something new' are NOT really fighters but actually do that as an escape route, because they're spoiled. I noticed that people that give excuses are usually those who easily give up when a challenge comes.

Do you quit your current job because you cannot stand with what's happening and you want to try something new?

Or do you quit you current job because you are out to fight for something bigger?

Are you really a fighter? Or just a quitter?

I prayed dhuha and I cried. I cried really hard. I felt ashamed, very very ashamed towards Him. And at that particular point, I felt small.

For the past week, I've been missing my Subuh prayers, failing to wake up. Lalai. Forgotten about my duties towards my Lord.

Every morning and every night before sleep, I tell myself "Subuh!" but deep inside, I didn't really mean it. I was lazy. I just wanted to sleep in.

Yet, this morning, I was shocked with a two-line positive test. I'm pregnant again! MasyaAllah, what a shame. He can have the power to give me rezeki, a baby insyaAllah, and I cannot even do as little as waking up for fajr prayers. I cried of shame, of happiness, of syukur.

The truth is, does Allah really need us to pray to Him? No He doesn't. He is powerful none the less. We forget that we are only helping ourselves by praying to Him.

Today, I'm being reminded again on how mighty and powerful Allah is. Today, I feel tiny. He doesn't really need me to bow to Him and he will still keep on blessing you with ways that you cannot imagine.

Allahu Akbar.

I remember having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine who makes it a point to go to the shopping mall every weekend, as a family outing activity. That is the time that they will look for things to buy - the needs and the wants -  or just to window shop or just to look at people . To her, its family-bonding & therapy time.




When Aisya was much smaller, I shop for baby products at http://onebabyworld.com or  http://mybbstore.com or http://babymanja.com.

For fashion, of course there's Fashion Valet.
(Looking for something similar but JUST FOR KIDS. Any suggestions?)

THIS is also why I BELIEVE that ZAAHARA should operate mainly online. When we first told people about our idea on having an office, many asked us, "Why not boutique?" Because I myself am lazy to visit any of these online shops's boutiques. If I find anything I like, I just click and purchase. And I am sure that there are many many more out there like me. I want to give the solution to other young urban muslims from ALL OVER THE WORLD - to be able purchase lifestyle islamic products from just one website. Just click and go.

So, are you an online or offline shopper?
Create your own user feedback survey

I always assumed that there's no urgency in potty training Aisya. It's not like she's getting into school yet and to be honest, I was a little lazy to start, hihi. Changing her diapers seems to be easier than running and rushing to the toilet.

Last Friday, Mr. came back home and suddenly said "Starting next week, Aisya will not be wearing any diapers ok? I've read some articles on how to train her,"

Over the weekend, she told Aisya repeatedly, "Nanti on Monday, Aisya tak payah pakai pampers ok? Only babies wear pampers. Aisya dah big girl dah..."

"O-K!" she will reply happily. Macam paham je...

I thought it was a little too drastic. "Maybe we should train her to tell us when she needs to go first, while she's still in her diapers," I told Mr. "Nope, she will not tell you if she's still wearing the pampers, comfort zone.." Mr. was very firm with his decision.

So on Monday, I told Aisya, "Today, no more pampers for you ok? When you need to shee-shee, you tell mummy k?"

"O-K mummy!"

5 minutes later...

"Mummy...Aisya shee-shee.." and so I ran to bring her to the toilet, only to realize that she has already peed on the floor. She also looked clueless, or maybe shocked, to see that the floor was wet.

"See Aisya.. Mummy told you already that you have to tell me if you want to shee-shee.." I explained to her.

An hour later, I saw my mom's maid bringing Aisya to the toilet. "Eh? Dia mintak pegi toilet ke?"
"Taklah, memang macam ni caranya kalau baru belajar tak pakai pampers.. bawak saja ke toilet setiap 2 jam..."

"Ooooooohhhh.....Macam tu..." so I learned. Tak payah nak article sangat, bibik jugak pandai..

The rest of the day, no more wet floor.

The next day, surprisingly Aisya said "Mummy...Aisya nak shee-shee.." and then I brought her to the toilet, cheering and praising her for what she has done.

Alhamdulillah, a few days after that, it was quite a success, a couple of misses, one wet bed, but other than that, she's pretty good at it already. Even for the #2!

Of course, there were a lot of running and rushing to the toilet for me. And also had to make sure that she goes to the toilet everytime before we leave the house or at any stop.

Once, she even woke up from sleep and shouted "Aisya nak shee-shee!!!" and then right after peeing, she continued her sleep again. I think that's pretty funny.

So I guess she can now be ready for play school next year then!

My little girl is not so little anymore *sobbbb sobbb*

Today, its an off day. Just like yesterday, my mood's been a little unstable. Told Mr. that I don't know what's wrong, but I just don't feel like doing anything, I feel lazy and I feel down. Good that he understood it and just said that "You need a break, just do anything, as long as you're happy,"

And then I realized that there's a lot in my mind today and I haven't been writing for such a long time!

A LOT has happened this few months. I've been updating my Instagram quite often as its easier and faster but nothing really feels as satisfying as writing down a post :)

The whole month of Ramadhan, we last minute decided to open up a pop-up-booth in Subang Parade. It was not in the plan, but we had other business friends wanting to join too, and Subang Parade also re-approached us, and so we just did it. Alhamdulillah, that went well, with our telekungs now all sold out, unexpectedly.

I once went to Dr. Azizan's talk, and he did warned, "Don't be shocked, with the right marketing strategy, the demand will be high and your production cannot cope,". Exactly what we're going through now.

We've been getting emails and messages on when we are going to stock up next. Unfortunately, production is a little bit slower than expected (post-raya they say) and I can't help it but to feel restless.

Did we not plan this out properly?

Are we not ready for this?

Or is this part and parcel of a company growing?

We have also just signed a tenant agreement for an office. Our first very own office. It is not under some minor renovation.

A lot of money is needed for all these; new office, production of telekung, company growth (hiring of staffs etc)

...........................

Some tell me that we should start pitching for grants. Some also recommended loans but we're all against it. But grants, should we?

Sometimes it feels like we're stuck. But when I read books and articles on successful business, they all get stuck somewhere, but they find a way to get out. It is when you're stuck, that your mind can go and think of the impossible and crazy ideas can pop up. I believe so too, which is why I'm trying to find that way to solve this without getting any additional financial help - or am I being to egoistic? Or just lazy (ha-ha).

O Allah - lead us the way.

It was around 11pm at night that my 2 years old daughter Aisya suddenly vomited. As I was cleaning her up, I noticed that her tummy was abnormally bloated and hard. I asked Mr, "Is it usually like this? Or am I just being over-worried?" I then asked my mom's house helper. According to them, it should be ok by the next day.

So Aisya went to sleep like normal. She woke up an hour after that, complaining of stomach pain. I massaged her tummy a little and she went back to sleep. She woke up again the next hour, looking restless, asking for this and that. I told Mr, "Jom, bawak kereta, put her back to sleep,"

And so we were driving around Subang and she was still awake.. once in a while complaining "Sakit...".. Her tummy was still hard and bloated. And she kept on asking me to rub it. While Mr. was driving, I was googling and reading a lot on 'hard and bloated abdomens' and none really help much, only making me even more worried!

I remember saying to myself, contemplating, if I am being a little too dramatic by following my motherly instinct that this is serious, or should I just stay calm and see how things go the next morning. But what if it is serious and tomorrow morning things get worst and a little too late? All these thoughts went over and over in my head and then I said it out loud, "I think we should bring her to the hospital, this has never happened before,"

Doctor at the Emergency Ward examined Aisya and said "This is abnormal, I will have to admit her,"

Oh, ok.

She has never been admitted before so it was alarming for both of us. Of course, we stayed calm and actually felt glad that we brought her in.

However, at the same time, the particular doctor also came to us a couple of times after that, checking on her. At this time, Aisya was already crying "Sakit....Sakit...". I saw that the doctor had low confidence dealing with Aisya, or maybe with kids generally. He couldn't even hold her down and check her tummy like how other pediatricians would do. He looked timid and very un-confident.

After about 10minues or so, Aisya dozed off to sleep. This is a good sign for me, because I've read before that "If anything is wrong, it wouldn't be too serious if your child can manage to sleep," The next few minutes, a nurse came over to us, telling us its time to admit her. "We will have to put drip ya," and I got a little panicked. Putting a drip into those tiny fingers?!?

Looking at Aisya asleep and worried about the drip, I called the doctor again, "Can you check if she really needs to be admitted, doc? Maybe I can come again tomorrow? " He came and check and said something like "I'm not going to take the risk, lets just let the pediatrician run some xrays and ultrasound,"

And so they wrapped Aisya tightly in a blanket, so that she doesn't move and fight back. They inserted a needle into her right hand vein and Aisya was crying and screaming "Mummy....mummyy..." and looking at my eyes. Only God knows how I felt at that time, looking at my child in pain.  Moreover, blood tests had to be taken and so they had to squeeze for some blood through the needle and all the time Aisya was crying loudly. And I just hugged and said to her "It's okay Aisya, sakit kejap je ok..you're a strong girl,"

You know what got me even worried? The doctor saying things like "Are you sure the needle is in?" to the nurse.You're a freaking doctor! And that's my child there! How much more time do you need to complete this whole process??

That morning, at 6am, Aisya was already in the hospital room, finally managed to sleep. I took wudhu' and prayed Subuh and after that, I cried.. letting go of all the worried that I had from the night before, trying my best to appear calm and strong in front of my child. "Ya Allah, can you please heal whatever it is that she's going through?"

It has only been 30 minutes, and Aisya is back awake again, saying "Sakit...Sakit..". And when in the hospital, these nurses keep coming in and out, to check this and that, taking samples and what not.. it was very uncomfortable for all of us. Aisya kept saying "Bukak.. bukak... ," wanting us to take the drip off her hands.

At around 7am, another nurse came into the room. The minute Aisya saw her she said "No....no..." and then she hugged me tightly. Suddenly she was screaming out loud, really really loud, like she was abused or something, and then it turns out that she pooped. Like a really huge hard one. And then right after that, she passed gas (farted) continuously for a minute or so. And I checked on her tummy, it was all alright.

It turns out that it was just gas and constipation. Colic.

However, it was weird that she didn't even try to pass motion, like how she usually does. All she did was complain of pain in her tummy.

I can't help but wonder, did she really need to go through that pain of putting in the drip and the discomfort of being in the hospital? Crying and complaining.

Aisya feeling awesome after all was over.

I try to look at the situation positively, saying that maybe, the drip helped her to pass motion.

But did it really? What if I decide not to bring her? Would she be able to pass motion that morning? Or would it be another day of her crying and complaining? Can I even go through the rest of the night, thinking if everything is okay?

Was I being a little too paranoid? Or did I do the right thing?

Oh parenting.

Pre-pregnant, my weight was 55kg.

Post-delivery, after about 3 months, my weight returned back to 55kg. But since I was breastfeeding Aisya, my weight decreased little by little until I reached about 50kg after 1.5 years breastfeeding her.

Many say that breastfeeding the a good way to lose weight. As for me, yes I did lose weight, but maybe a little too much. I was also unhealthy. I easily got sick. Maybe because I wasn't taking extra supplements.

Towards the end of the breastfeeding journey, Aisya was already on the bottle, feeding only at night, and also waking up in the middle of the night. So the theories of people around me telling me that my kid was taking my nutrient away is definitely not true. I wasn't pumping anymore in the office, I was eating well, and Aisya didn't drink much. The only other thing that made sense was waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night.

I was getting a lot of concern comments from my parents and friends; are you sure you're okay? Why don't you check with the doctor, are you taking supplements, why do you look so weak.

But the thing is, I felt perfectly fine!

Maybe I wasn't getting enough rest, and work demanded a lot of my energy. I was draining out, losing more weight, getting easily sick, always sleepy and easily tired. Plus, I was also juggling with business when I'm not working, and so I was tired. To what extend can you multi-task right? But I guess, I never realized any of these. That I wasn't in my happier state.

Due to my 2nd pregnancy, I managed to wean off Aisya. Right after miscarriage, I realized that I also got my night sleeps. And then I decided to quit my full time job. And my mind is now well organized. I get enough rest. I'm not overworked. I can fully stretch my mind when it comes to running my business and it feels worth it, using your mental and brain power for your passion. I like how I can organize my daily time to do things that matter.

I'm seeing that the miscarriage event is the start of a lot of changes. It is when I decided to take the leap and quit my full time job. It also showed me how I wasn't taking care of myself; my mind and my body. I think my body was unhealthy to even hold a baby because that little creature inside of me just decided to stop growing. It showed me ways in achieving happiness and contentment in life.

Now when I see people, they tell me that they see that glow. "Wow, what happen? " "You look so lively!"

And I'm now back to my original weight of 55kg. No more underweight. No more feeling fatigue and tired.

I think I was trying to hard to be perfect at everything and not gaining and perfection at any of them!

I'm glad that I decided to focus.

Also note to breastfeeding mothers, when you have stop breastfeeding, you have to learn to control your eating habit, or you may gain weight drastically. When you breastfeed, you eat a lot. So stop the eating habits and insyaAllah you will stay the same. As for me, I was focusing on gaining weight, so I ate a lot! Now I'm trying to control, ngehehehe. 

Last night was our very first time playing Good Cop, Bad Cop with Aisya. Guess who is the Good Cop? ME! ME! :D

Aisya has been quite demanding these days. Having a mind of her own, she wants what she wants. Sometimes after explaining to her why its a NO, she would reply 'Ok!' but sometimes, she just answers back sarcastically, saying back "You!" "Nak!" "Yes!"

So anyways, these past few weeks, she's been requesting the tv before she sleeps. I guess saying okay a few nights, she has naik lemak, and demanding it EVERY night. That's why they say discipline is important I guess.

So last night, I told her No. "It's time to sleep Aisya, no TV," and she kept on crying and crying saying "Nak vivi....nak vivi....," and then Mr. had to say firmly "Aisya, NO!" and she was shocked. Maybe because Mr has always been the playful one. "Mummyy....mummy...." she cried while hugging me tightly.

After a few minutes, she goes back to "Nak vivi...nak vivi....." and then I had to say "Aisya, its time to sleep, nanti ayah marah nanti... " (seee! Good cop, blames the Bad cop ngehehehhe)
And she automatically lies back down to bed! Takut jugak!

After that, she sits up again, and says "Nak vivi....nak vivi....". Mr stood up and say "Aisya, No! It's time to go to sleep! You can watch tv tomorrow!"

Aisya cries loudly and hugs me again tightly... (best gak hehe) and then as I sing some songs to sleep, she was already fast asleep....it works guys! Someone needs to be the bad cop to be strict, and the other one to be the good cop to calm and soothe her down.

I'm glad I was the good cop! :) :) :)

Many times we tell ourselves that "Yes, I Can," as a way to motivate ourselves to be better. But little did I know that this is only a small part of us conquering our own minds.

I used to tell my dad, "I don't think I'm that good at Additional Maths subject, I don't seem to be scoring it like others do," and back then he told me that, "Look! Saying that, means you are already telling your mind that you are not good. You are already setting a wall in your mind, a blockage,". I never really understood it, I mean, Hello? Why can't I complain that I'm not good? Am I suppose to say that I'm good at everything even when I'm not? Hellooo?

But you know what, we have the capability to trick our mind. Success is about conquering the mind. This is something that I just realized these past week, thanks to the IMKK seminar by Dr Azizan that I attended and also by discussing further with my father-in-law.

We all know that our brain has waves:

1. Beta Wave - The Waking Consciousness 
This is the heightened state of alertness, the state when you are walking and talking, the state when you're awake. Its most important for effective functioning throughout the day. The Beta wave has voices; the nagging inner voice that gives reasoning and logical thinking to every situation you go through out the day.

2. Alpha Wave - The Deep Relaxation Wave 
This is the time that your subconcious mind takes over the brain. It happens when you are relaxing, or when you're just about to sleep or during light meditation. Do you know that this is the time that you can program your mind for success?

3. The other two waves are the Theta & Delta Waves - which are the state the brain goes into when sleeping and during deep sleep. Not so important here as I would like to share about the Beta & Alpha wave.

The ALPHA WAVE. The time when you are in that relaxed mode, is the best time that you can program your mind on what you want. This is also the strongest connection you can have with Allah, in telling Him your heart desires.

Some of the times that you brain gets into the alpha mode is through:

1. Solat (Salah)

If you read the book 'Think & Grow Rich' by Napolean Hill, or if your ask any psychologists, one of the ways to get your mind into the subconcious state is by breathing in deeply, hold your breath for 4 seconds and then breathe out again. Do you know that to achieve khusyukness (focus) during solat is to breathe in and out this way just before you start solat and also just before each sentences of reciting your surahs.

By doing this, you will get your mind into the Alpha state, and shut down all the voices from the Beta wave; you know, those voices of logical thinking and reasoning? Focus on Allah. And then right after your salaam, recite your prayers (du'a), while still in that state. Feel that connection that you have with Him.

The same can be applied to Zikir & reading the Quran. Breathe in deeply, hold for 4 seconds, and breathe out again. Feel that connection. Instead of praying just because you have to pray, and read the Quran just because you have to.. and keep on looking for that 'feeling' of connection. Ask Him all that you want, tell Him that you want that job position, that you want to score that particular exam, that you want a child, be specific! When do you want it? What is the score that you want? Which position? Which car model? Which year? Don't just say success, it can mean different things to different people.

When you first start practicing this, be patient with yourself. It takes time for your mind to get used to this.

2. Before sleeping & upon waking up

This is also why its sunnah for you to recite do'a just before sleeping and after waking up. Set your mind on what you want before you sleep, make do'a to Allah and do the same upon waking up.

This situation is also good for parents to shape up their children's characters. Just before they sleep, you know when they're in that dreamy zone, say positive things to them, tell them that they're smart and intelligent, that they're good muslims and muslimahs, that they will be nice to others. You can do the same to your partners too! Tell your husband "You're a good muslim, you're a good husband," and tell your wife "You're beautiful, you will have beautiful children," etc.

3. During shower

Do you realize how your mind comes up with splendid superb ideas when you're having a shower? I feel that all the time! That sometimes I just open up the door and shout a random idea to Mr. so that I will not forget it when I'm out.  Tell yourself positive things during this time. Even affirmative things to yourself, even when you haven't achieved it.

It seems that water has a strong purification power that it puts you into a relaxed state. Which is why sometimes when you're stressed out, you feel much better after your bath. Which is also why we take wudhu', to get ourselves prepared to face the alpha state.

4. When drinking water.

Just like the point before, water helps in getting yourself into the alpha state. That short duration of time when you drink water, talk to your brain.

5. During orgasm

This may be a little too private for those unmarried couples, but orgasm is indeed the highest state of the subconscious mind that you can reach before falling into the next wave. During that peak time of sex, ensure that you imagine having a good child, imagine if it is a girl or a boy, imagine how cute he/she is. Imagine your success story, who will be there beside you, where will you be in 5-10 years time. Imagine and believe it.

There are also other ways like listening to music and doing yoga. Google and you'll find out more.

Psychologists say that in order for you to change a habit, or in order for your mind to believe what you tell them, you have to repeatedly tell yourself the same dream for 44 days. According to my father-in-law, in Islam, its 40 days. I'm not too sure the magical story behind 40 days. He says its in the Quran. I will have to understand more from him.

Print out pictures of your dreams. Write them out. FEEL your dream, go and test drive that car that you've always wanted, or visit that house that you want to buy, try your best to feel it so that the imagination becomes stronger.

Many people can imagine but underestimate the power of the mind. You think you can only achieve so and so when the truth is, you can stretch your mind to imagine more than you think you can. Imagine the impossible. Your mind will do the magic, your body will automatically just follow your mind. Conquer your mind. Learn to shut out that voices in your head that tell you that you cannot, telling you that its impossible. Stop whining and stop telling yourself "Why can't I do this, why am I so unlucky'

These are some of the things that are explain in Western books like 'Think & Grow Rich', 'The Power of Your Subconcious Mind', 'The Secret' . But little did I know that many of our everyday Islamic practices can already help us getting what we want, provided we understand how to and why is it that we do what we do. Islam IS the way of life. There's just so many secrets that you need to unlock! You'll be surprised!

You know how we've been taught to 'Usaha, Doa & Tawakal'? I now learn that you should 'Doa, Usaha & Tawakal,'. Set your mind right, then work towards it and then insyaAllah, you will get what you want.

If not, like I always said, Allah Knows Best.

Now I wonder, why didn't anyone tell me this before this? Come to think of it, actually my father did, and so did Mr. but I chose not to listen, only believing part of it, and another part of me being skeptical, saying 'How is that possible?'

Conquer your mind. Imagine the impossible. And go and achieve it.

Good morning!

Today marks the 3rd week of me working on my own. I now have a new laptop as my macbook decided to go KAPUUUKKKK on me, right after quitting the company [which also explains why I haven't been updating]. As I am writing this, my daughter is lying down on my lap, watching Dr. Mc Stuffins on Disney Channel. She has become less-clingy now, always seeing her mummy around.

So, how has it been?

It actually pretty tiring to be honest. The first week especially.

I used to plan my weekends, but now I have to plan my daily activities; which usually is not routine. I used to just do what my boss tells me, and just meet the deadlines.  But now, I have to plan out my day from the night before and meet my own deadlines.

After a few weeks, my brain is getting used to the nightly planning exercise and my body seems to get used to moving around a lot too.

I don't spend my whole day with Aisya. Usually in the morning, I will cuddle with her in her manja moments upon waking up, and then take her to shower. After that, I send her to my mom's and come and see her again around 4-5pm after I complete the day's work.

But its never really the same everyday. I have different tasks everyday. Flexible time; that's the awesome thing about this new world. Some days I'm too busy I see her only at 6pm. Some days, she spends time with me the whole day. The other great thing is that I also get to spend extra time with my mom and dad and my friends. And I also get excited upon seeing Mr. every evening.

How's business? Alhamdulillah, its heading somewhere insyaAllah. At the moment, its about running and kicking all the walls I see along the way. Dush! Dush! Dush!

Enjoying every moment of this!

I've been having back ache at the top part of my body for a week now. It started last Friday. I woke up to a wrong sleeping position. And it hurts really bad! Not just neck, but also shoulder and back!

I put 'koyok' patch for two nights and it didn't get any better. Instead I had a hard time sleeping comfortably because of the cold tingling feeling of the patch.

Then I tried going for a massage. The massage parlor didn't give me a nice relaxing massage but it was a torturing one hour massage session because according to her, my blood is not circulating well and that area that hurts is now swelling.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I just had a work out session the night before! The whole day went pretty bad for me. People tell me that it is normal to feel some ache after a massage session, its because you body is healing it seems. And so, I waited in patience.

The next day, body heals better but the pain at the shoulder and back is still there, actually even worst.

Today, after a week, I am still feeling it. Its as though, every morning, I wake up to a back sore.

Maybe its the sleeping position? Maybe its the pillow? Maybe its the mattress? Maybe it needs even more time to heal? Maybe I should put those patches every night? Mom says I should swim.

Help!

One more week till my last day here in this company! #countingdays

I've been getting a lot of remarks on how happy I look as the date is nearer. My face lights up during conversations. I smile and laugh often. "Does it feel like a huge stone is removed from your head? Does it feel lighter?" To be honest, I do not notice any of these. But whatever, its good right? Maybe its the positive aura .. ceh ceh. 

Its funny how the person who is most affected that I'm leaving the company is my beloved husband. We've been in the same office ever since before we got married!

During our drive to and back from office, he will say sentimental statements like "I can't believe I'll be driving alone later on.." "I'm gonna miss our times..." "Who's gonna have lunch with me?".
As if I'm going off outstation or something #sweetgitu.

#countingdays

I grew up with my parents making the word MALAS (lazy) a taboo. Never ever say the word MALAS even if you are lazy. Sigh a little, but don't say the word.

I never understood why its such a bad word, we're not even cursing!

Just like any other teenager, I rebelled a little. I started using MALAS when I was in Sydney, always giving excuses NOT to do certain things.

"Malas laa nak gi kelas..."

"Malas laa nak pegi event tu..."

"Malas laa nak keluar, sejuk laaaa,"

Little did I know that this has become apart of me now. Most of the time, I give excuses not to attend events just because I'm tired - what a ridiculous reason is that. I choose to procrastinate; delaying errands that can be done today to the next day just because I'm lazy.

I realized that I've missed out a lot due to this selfish me.

My parents tell me, "If you have nothing better to do, why be lazy?"

I think just the word itself is negative that even if you say it as a casual fun thing, it somehow becomes apart of you. Like calling someone stupid for instance; especially your own kids.

One MALAS leads to another MALAS. We need to JUST DO IT instead.
Life is too short to be wasted on the word MALAS.

Just a few minutes ago, a group of newbies stood in front of my cubicle. The HR Representative introduced them to the team, this is so and so... and that is so and so.

We have heard of this. 12 fresh graduates being hired into Engineering Graduate Program. In the midst of people being laid off, it seems that we need more people in the operation/project team to assist. They must be the chosen ones.

(Actually, it is quite true that there are a redundant of staffs in certain departments here; which is probably also why they're offering VSS to certain departments)

So anyways. Back to these newbies. You can see it in them; FRESH and EXCITED! You can feel their vibes; smilling and walking confidently. I smiled - as this really reminds me of my own self, 5 years back, also being absorbed into the same program. I was excited to enter this new chapter of my life. I was looking forward to finally start my career upon graduation.

Wow. Has it really been 5 years?

I have started naively. Introduced to the oil and gas industry during my first year. Got involved with a lot of projects. I was groomed well through this program and I have learnt a lot from all these experiences. I got married to someone I met here. I'm now a mummy. Oh wow. 5 years? Really?

I know that there are still a lot more that I can learn. Experience is always the best teacher. But the heart says otherwise. Never have I expected that I will be leaving my career to do something on my own, never! Yet, it feels right.

Maybe its my time now to be that newbie again, but in a different world. I can see it in myself, EXCITED!

I wish the newbies the very best in this new chapter of theirs. May they excel and always challenge themselves to be better. Keep the positive spirit going. Be someone. Contribute. Take responsibilities. Lead. In everything that they do.

I, on the other hand, will be opening a new chapter myself :)

#countingdays!

The drop in oil prices have brought impact to the economy; specifically the oil & gas industry. The company I'm working with now  (leaving in 2 weeks time weeehoooo) decided to scale down the number of employees to cope with this.

A few months back, we have heard of a number of staffs given the option of Voluntary Seperation Scheme (VSS) and took it. It seems to date, more than 40 staffs took the other option, the Mutual Seperation Scheme (MSS).

We are due to receive our annual bonus based on our Performance Management System (PMS) score in a few weeks time. Just 2 weeks back, some employees were given letters informing them that they are now under probation for nonperforming. These employees are not qualified to receive any bonus and were given 2 months to buck up and perform.

It seems that the performance bar for this year has been raised resulting to a number of people purposely being placed in this list, even though they score the same marks as their colleagues. These employees are being scapegoats maybe because they are the least important in the department; or maybe because they have made a mistake before; or maybe simply because his/her boss dislikes him/her.

The way I look at it, the company is trying to cut down their costs on the number of people receiving bonus. They are also trying to run away from paying them VSS/MSS by giving them 2 months probation and telling them in a nice way to look for an alternative job soon. In two months time, they will look at the situation of the oil price and the company and screen through the names again. You will not be released because you're not performing, but because you're not needed. They will find a way to proof it. Saying all this, is of course, just my opinion.

Sounds cruel right? But that is how a corporate company works I guess. Employees are looked as assets/liabilities. When you are not needed, you will be removed.  You are not looked at as human beings who have responsibilities, who have family members to support.

With all this happening, I keep telling myself many many times, again and again, how glad I am to have decided to create my own destiny out there, instead of staying here in this cubicle, listening to instructions and let the company decide when they need me and when they don't.

Employees positions are becoming even more vulnerable, with the Human Resource team monitoring punctuality and discipline. Bosses are working under stress and pressure, screaming and yelling to counterparts and also those below them. Its a mad jungle with wild animals and I'm glad to be leaving all this behind soon.

I pity those who are being victims of this situation. But I believe that Allah knows better. Each one of them will learn that there's a good reason behind all this, either sooner or later. I pray Allah give them strengths.

You know what. At the end of the day, it is God who provides.

Aisya turned two last two weeks.

At this age, she develops really really fast. Picking her up from my mom's after work, she seems to be learning something new EVERYDAY.

I asked her the other day, "Where are we going, Aisya?" "Mosh!" (referring to mosque). "Nak yayang...A'an.." (Translation: Nak sembahyang, quran...")..Oooo, melts my heart!

Last week, we passed by a truck and she said "Bye truck, see you later!," in her ke-pelat-an way. First time hearing such a long sentence from her!

She even picked up a new dance move; The Chicken Dance! (LOL)

Mom also tells me that she can now swim on her own in the big pool with the float on. (She was a little scared to let go of our hands before this if she can't feel her feet touching the floor)

However, despite all the fun and the excitement of the steep development, do you know that parents usually call this phase 'The Terrible Two'?  I would like to call this phase Testing-the-parents-patience phase. Hihi.

Last night, Aisya took her milk bottle and started tilting it and pouring milk on the bed. I told her, "Aisya, pls, no! Nanti basah katil ni," and took the bottle away from her.

She laughed. Took the bottle again, and poured some more milk on the mattress. "No, Aisya! Mummy said No! Nanti mummy cubit nanti,"

She just said "Bit, bit..." and then had this smirk on the face. She looked at my eyes. And then slowly took the bottle again. With my eyes stilled on hers, and with an even more firm voice I said "Mummy said no," She kept her eyes focus on mine, and her hands still taking the bottle, with this body language telling me that "Hmm.. I'm gonna do this mummy, I'm gonna do this again, Haha. I don't care mummy, this is fun," and she poured the milk again.

I took the bottle from her and pinched her on her hands. She looked at me and took the bottle from the table again! And poured again!

I finally grabbed the bottle from her and pinched her on her waist.

This time around, she understood. She kept quiet, and then cried. She cried so badly.

I know it wasn't painful, it was just a tiny pinch!

After calming her down, and changed her clothes, I squat down and told her, "When mummy say no, you cannot do it okay Aisya. If mummy say no, can you do it?"

She shook her head.

"Okay, good girl. Now say sorry mummy,"

"Sorry,"

And then I hugged and kissed her. And then suddenly she started running around, and then back to playing with her Lego.

Me on the other hand? I felt like I was the worst mummy ever! I'm even feeling guilty about it now, the next day and I can't stop thinking abou it.

But I guess, sometimes you gotta be firm when it comes to teaching your children. This is the phase when kids should be taught on discipline.

But the question here is, "Is it okay to use physical punishment as a way to discipline your child?" "How would you tell them that no means no?" Share me your views please!

The weirdest thing happened last week. My father-in-law called us, to ask if it's okay that he remarries.

[insert long awkward silent moment]

Ever since my mother-in-law passed away in October last year, many people have been asking him if he's going to remarry. He's 58 years old now, and so people think that he's got a long way to go, if Allah permits of course.

Last two weeks, Mr's family and my family went for a holiday in Alor Setar. We stayed over at my uncle's place there. My uncle is 75 years old, and my aunty is 70 years old. Their children are all in KL, working and settling down with their new family in KL. Within our few days of stay there, we can see how loving they were. Laughing together while watching the tv, like all of us were invisible. Absorbed in deep conversations. Purely in love.

On the way back to KL, my father-in-law said, "I'm only 58.. I've got another 17 years to reach his age. Will I be growing old alone?" Little did we know that this leads on to whats next. We're not sure if he has found someone to marry back then or if he started looking for someone after that. But it was exactly a week after, that he came to us with this question. "Ok tak kalau ayah kawin lagi?"

It took Mr and his sisters some time to absorb the news. Especially because it has only been 5 months since their mother left them. I told them this, "Don't look at this lady as someone who will replace your mom, because no one can every replace Mak. Look at this lady as your dad's companion. Someone to be his friend, his peneman at home, penceria, while we all are busy with our lives,"

Because the truth is, can we, sacrifice all that we have, just to stay home with our parents? Even our parents will not allow that to happen. Yes we can go over for dinner after work, stayover during the weekends, but can we be there all the time with them? To cook for them and bring them around? Sometimes we have to think more than ourselves. Not everything is about us.

Alhamdulillah, we have all accepted that this will be happening, sooner or later. We met up with her and her kids last night, and we all seem to click okay.

Will I be getting a new mother-in-law soon? Will I also be getting another 4 more siblings-in-law?

A few months back, Mr. wanted to introduce a new habit to our family. He wanted us to learn to love the Quran and learn to connect to this book of Allah. So he makes it a habit that we listen to a few minutes of Quran recitals before we get to listen to anything else on the radio - which is usually the Frozen soundtrack.

The minute we enter the car, Aisya will go "Sing! Sing!" She refers to Frozen as Sing - maybe because she enjoys the scenes of Anna & Elsa singing?

So, anyways, Mr will say "Let's listen to the Quran first Aisya," Initially, she rebelled a little, requesting for "Sing! Sing!" again and then settles down.

Later on, she will reply "Okay...".

We make sure that we do change to her Frozen soundtrack after a few minutes, to make sure she knows that we keep to our promise.

And then suddenly one day, just after we entered the car, Aisya says "A'an! A'an!" - referring to the Quran. MasyaAllah,  the smile on our faces just says it all! :) :) :)

Alhamdulillah, this has also become a habit for all of us too!

Mr. also makes it a point to read the Quran, every single day.  This is actually his second attempt, and alhamdulillah, this time around, it lasts. He even says that sometimes he feels a little bit empty when he doesn't read the Quran for the day.

I've been trying to do the same. But I will result to a few days a week, never really manage to practice it everyday. I envy him for having that connection with the Quran! Lately, he's been reading the tafseers of the surahs too! And he'll come to me and say "Do you know that in this surah......"

As I was getting ready to pray in the Subang Parade surau yesterday, I was shocked to see Aisya walking towards the cabinet and picked up the Quran and she did this:



Sometimes, being the man in the family, the best way to guide your family is really through your actions. Leading by example.

May Allah bless Mr. for this and for many more :)

You know that saying 'Wheel of Life - Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down,'. It seems that I've been down for quite some time now. The past few months have been quite bad. From incident A to incident B and then comes another. It feels like I'm at the most bottom part of the wheel.

But then again, who am I to complain right? There's so many other people out there who are going through worst? Manja betul!

The truth is, I've been making lots of duas for what is best for me and my family ever since late last year. Somehow, I think this recent incident opens the door even bigger for me. Like telling me, GO for it! This is the perfect timing!

Its funny. One whole week felt like I was in a dark hole and then suddenly, I see this bright light and I'm now looking forward to head towards that light. Alhamdulillah is all I can say.

I have decided to leave my 8-5 full time job and move to working on my own.

Goodbye Corporate World. Hello Entrepreneur World!

Trying to juggle everything - being a wife, a mom, a daughter, an employee, and still trying to run my business part time, just doesn't seem to work well for me. When you multitask too many things, you can't perform your best at any of them!

I want to be there for my kiddo. I want to be apart of her journey growing up. I want to cook for my husband. I want to be a better muslimah. I want to make Zaahara grow even bigger and mean something! I want to work hard and earn from my own sweat rather than working hard for other people's happiness. I want to have passion in what I do.I want to have that work-life balance and determine my own destiny!

I can see that it's going to be an awesome new journey insyaAllah.

It is not going to be easy, definitely, because now we will be depending on only one source of constant income. The other source of income is up to me to work on. But we have a plan. InsyaAllah with full determination and focus, one day, even Mr. can quit his job too and we can all enjoy that flexible family time. That's the aim!

You know one of the goals to achieve in 2015? One of them is achieved :)

Here's to making my dreams a reality.

Bismillah, Ya Allah, please bless this decision of ours. It is the best for me, for my family and for my religion.

When it comes to Zaahara, I visualize a lot. My imagination usually can only stretch to 2 years most. No 5 years plan whatsoever. So far, alhamdulillah, Zaahara have achieved some of things that I've imagined. I remember that everytime I get nearer to a goal, there will always be some hiccup and I will still push and try hard to make my dream a reality.

For 2015, I have a dream for Zaahara. However, I really didn't expect that the opportunity came this early of the year. EVERYTHING was perfect. Just like how I imagined. Everything seems to fall in place, except, financially. However, as what Blake Mycoskie, the founder of Toms shoes, wrote in his book, you can never get all traffic light to be green at the same time. The window of opportunity is very small and so, you have to grab the chance whenever you see it.

So, we worked something out to assist us financially.

We did more research over the weekend and I started contacting the right people. Even showed my parents and in laws on the idea to get their blessings and to get some feedbacks. They were also in favour of the idea, thinking that its a good one!

And then yesterday, just before signing the deal, it turns out that I was late by a few hours. Someone else had grabbed the opportunity.

The minute I heard the news, I was speechless. And then, I cried. I cried pretty bad. Like suddenly, my dream was shattered into pieces. Like suddenly, there's that hole there.

It feels like this: You meet this right guy, and everything is good, your families click, he's got all the right characteristics and then you proceed on with engagement and all and suddenly on the wedding day, he met with an accident. Like pfffttttttt! All hopes, gone!

Sometimes, Allah can give you very very high hopes. And then suddenly, he just takes it away just like that. Just to remind you that, this is dunya. Just to tell you to 'work harder'! - I have a better plan for you. You just wait and see! Yes, we did pray that if this is good for us, make it easier. If not, don't. So there is a reason behind this. In fact, I know all this. Its just that, that feeling of dissappointment, you know.

I have a feeling that Allah is giving us a pause, to look for even more money for Zaahara for it to grow and keep on spreading the Deen, instead of depending on other parties. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come again, when we are ready, maybe another 3-4 more months to come. Probably the same opportunity, probably better. At the time being, its time to get aggressive with our efforts!

Assalammualaikum!

I don't really have a specific topic, so I'm just going to ramble and see what comes out.

You know how every time the new year starts, people will have a wish list or a goal list on how 2015 should be. I have never ever done that before. I'm not sure if I'm just not that semangat new year or if I'm the type of person who sets goals like just anytime of the year, just randomly.

Once I did a list of "Things I should do while I am abroad" just before flying off to Sydney. I don't remember going through the list throughout my years there but during my final year, I stumbled upon the list again, while packing to go back home for good. Surprisingly, I have actually met most of them, except for a few. Laws of attraction maybe?

One ridiculous one : go skydiving. Why ridiculous? Because I'm scared of heights and skydiving is the ultimate-height-adventure that I will never ever do. And I don't even regret it. Hehe. At that time, I was so motivated with people around me telling me to "overcome your fear!". Actually to think about it again, I was motivated with quite a lot of things back in my uni years. Oh, that young spirit!

Also because there was a lot of time and less commitments and responsibilities.

I get motivated too these days, especially when I can visualize it. However, decisions nowadays comes with baggage and risks.

Anyways, going back to the list. I told myself that maybe this year, I should have a list. And so I told myself that I'm only going to keep it to five instead of a long-impossible-list-that-gets-forgotten-after-5-months. Short and achievable! So I've been going through the list and I'm only sure of two of it. I keep on changing the other three. How?

Maybe I can finalize the list like in February or so. Hmm.

Ok, bye!