rawakramblings

Since this is my second attempt, I already know the styles of hijab that I like and the way to wear them - very simple-lah! The only problem I have is the lack of long sleeve casual shirts and comfy long pants. Hmm...I'm seeing some holes in the pocket developing soon!

I remember when I first wanted to start wearing the hijab about a year ago, I was conscious on what people would think of me. I decided on 2 days notice that I was going to TRY to wear the hijab and surprisingly lasted for about 6 months or so. However, my surrounding wasn't right at that moment..CORRECTION.. I was the one who was not at the right state of mind at that moment. I knew that I wanted to wear the hijab but I wasn't mentally strong and prepared...and I gave up easily.

I once related to a friend on me taking off the hijab and he said, "You know that when you're trying to be better, syaitan will try to beat you stronger, with all sort of challenges.." and at that moment I knew that I failed facing those challenges. I gave in.

Oh well. Past is the past.

This time around, I am more calm with the hijab, I feel at peace. Alhamdulillah. Mr has also been such a supportive partner, always telling me that I look pretty in hijab. Sometimes, that is all that matters, that when your husband says that you look good, you couldn't be bothered with what everyone else say.

"Aik? You're wearing the hijab again?"

"I don't get it.. one time you were not wearing it, and then you wore your scarf, you open it back..and then you're back on?"

"Are you wearing this because you're married? Did your husband force you to?"

"Are you wearing this because you just came back from Umrah?"

And ALL these questions came from the non-muslims..many were curious. As for the Muslims, most of them just smiled and some said "Alhamdulillah.."...only God knows what's in their head! I really hope they mean good! Hihi.

My usual answer..

"Yes... my second attempt.. I'm gonna try this again..", and then they wish me luck.

Honestly, this is not my second attempt. This is no more an attempt but for real. May Allah ease this and give me strength to overcome whatever challenges that the syaitan may give me in putting on the hijab.

When they ask me if I'm doing this because I just came back from Mekkah, I tell them "No..I'm wearing it because it is an obligation as a Muslim.." because that is the fact....

Wearing the hijab (covering the aurat), just like salah (solat) is not an option..it is an obligation.

taken from Budu dan Belacan

Yes. I have finally decided to not wear the hijab. I really felt that I wasn't ready for it. I realized that wearing the hijab isn't just about covering the head. It comes with a lot more. It's about dressing appropriately, it's about 'jaga perangai'. It's about representing and being a right muslimah.

Mungkin keimananku masih belum kuat. Aku masih lagi terpengaruh dengan duniawi.

I tried. I did. And I lasted for 5 months.

I always knew that I'd one day wear the hijab. Maybe when Mr. encouraged me, I felt excited, as it has always been what I wanted to do. And at that point, I really felt I was ready. I told myself "Just do it!" without thinking long ahead. In just one week, I started buying shawls and scarfs, and then I just wore them. Maybe I was too extreme. Maybe I should have prepared myself for it, mentally and physically. Maybe. I don't know, I really don't know.

When I think about it, those times people asked me, "Is this permanent?", I replied, "InsyaAllah, try dulu. Kalau tak ready, nanti bukak balik,". That statement itself has shows that I was giving it a try. I just didn't expect that it'll go as far as 5 months.

Initially, I thought of not-wearing them outside of the office as I was afraid of what others might say, then I felt like a hypocrite. Mr. also said, "Kita jangan malu and takut dengan manusia, malu and takut dengan Tuhan," As expected, there were many weird stares and gossips around.

I will have to agree with Mr's statement. Wearing the hijab is a very good thing. People around should be encouraging each other. You congratulate us when we give it a try, but when we fail, you penalize us for it. You talk behind our backs. What you should've done is, "It's okay, you tried. Try harder the next time," and then keep on encouraging us to wear the hijab. This kind of busy-body gossip people only make it harder for other girls out there to even attempt to try covering up. It's either you wear it or you don't. No trying. No.

Maybe many are used to wearing the hijab; either in school or from small, but for someone like me, who has never wear them other than during religious occasion, it really isn't an easy change. I needed a lot of support and change in lifestyle.

Aku akan cuba, untuk menguatkan lagi keimananku ini, dan bila sudah rasa cukup bersedia, insyaAllah, aku akan mula berhijab. Please, pray for me.

No. I'm not proud of this. But I am proud that I managed to wear them for 5 months and insyaAllah one day, permanently :)

Up to date, it has been almost 5 months since I started wearing the hijab. I have been okay the first few months, until lately, that I suddenly feel like not-wearing them anymore. I'm not sure if its the devil whispering or if I'm really really not ready.

I'm a very very laid back person when it comes to dressing.Comfort always comes first before beauty. I used to wear huge T-shirts and jumpers with black tights, and pair them up with a sling back and my birkenstock sandals. Sometimes I'll just wear shorts with my fav Havaianas slippers. Hair is usually left tangled.

Now that I'm wearing the hijab, all these laid back fashion doesn't seem to fit well. I need to find the right colour of hijab to match my attire. I need to make sure that my attire covers up; which is quite a problem because I don't seem to have that many long sleeve shirts and pants. I also need to make sure that I don't dress up like an aunty (makcik) or a maid, making sure that my hijab looks modern and young. Most of them time, I feel like I'm not being myself and that I really miss my old-self. I sometimes miss having the freedom of wearing skirts and shorts anytime I want.

Sometimes, I also feel like a hypocrite. I find it very hard to even pray 5 times a day, and yet here I am, wearing the hijab. I feel like I'm just pretending to be this nice Muslimah.

I talked to 2 of my hijab-wearing-girlfriends , they told me that it might just be a phase. They said if I'm really not ready and feel uncomfortable, I would have felt it the first few weeks of wearing it, but having reaching my 5th month is actually quite an achievement. They also told me to not put too much pressure on the new image. It's just covering the head. I can still be my old self:

"Just because you're wearing the hijab, doesn't mean you can't go for karaoke or that you can't hold your boyfriend's hands. To be a good muslim, there are processes. Allah doesn't expects us to change 360 in a day. So give yourself sometime to adjust and adapt. Deciding to wear the hijab, is already a big step on its own,"

"NO one is perfect. Even we sometimes miss our prayers. Iman is something that sometimes come and go. We just need to find ways in finding it again,"

"Why don't you go and shop for new attires? Go all out in changing your wardrobe. At least, when you look good, you will be more confident with yourself,"

I remember how I really really wanted to wear the hijab before, and now that I'm wearing it, I feel otherwise. The grass IS always greener on the other side huh? Heeeee.

I need to give time to others to get used to this new me too. I think its normal for people to have the typical mind-set of an un-cool hijab girl, but its really up to me to change their perspectives. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself.

Change is never an easy process. We all need patience and courage in doing so. I need all the support I can to get used being this new me.