rawakramblings

"I don't remember being this close to Aisya before, not when she was this small," Mr. told me one day.

I gotta agree. With my first born, the bonding was pretty strong. Maybe because it is that introduction to loving a child, that first love. Maybe because I was working as an employee, 9am-5pm daily, so when I reached home, we were both missing each other that much, so evenings and weekends, the three of us spent time together as a family, but Aisya always wanted Mummy.

But as we analyzed more, we realized that it's also because Aisya had my mom and Kak Nanny (mom's helper) to take care of her during those times we were working. And then after work, its mummy and Aisya's time. And Mr, never really spent that much time with her, although he tried, but Aisya just never really preferred him ( haha - kesian).  So Aisya's choice has always been Mummy, Tokma (grandma), Kak Nanny, and then only everyone else including her own dad. It is only later on when she reached almost two, that she became closer to Mr. and even much much closer now.

With baby Luqman, as you may have understand from my previous postings, its either me, or Mr. We took turns to take care of our kids. He experienced bathing him from small, changing his nappy, even knows what to put on his baby after bathing. And I can see, that he understands this little boy well. I could be busy replying emails, and then suddenly, Luqman is already asleep. He could predict if he's tired, or if he's hungry. He knows the trick to get him to sleep longer. In fact, this little boy can sleep easily while being carried by his dad as compared to his mummy.

Luqman comfortably asleep on Mr's shoulder.

As for me, I don't even feel like I'm missing out at all. Because you know, thanks to breastfeeding, that bonding between a mother and a child will always be there. But I'm actually pretty happy to see that bond, and also happy that I get my space and my time to rest sometimes. It was fun with the first one, but to be honest, very tiring when you child always wants mummy.

And when we look at the situation again, it is not because Mr. had more time now, or because Aisya was taken care by my mom and her helper. But Mr. realized and agreed, that he didn't really make that much effort in trying to bond with his child, because he was afraid to handle such a fragile baby, and he didn't really know how to, and he just let the mummy handle it all because it's mummy's job. "Its not like the baby wants me pun,"

My point here is this. I know many reading this post are modern parents, where both, husbands and wives, are working to support the family. Some, husbands supporting the family financially more, some pretty equal, and some, even the wives bringing in more income than the husbands. If your partner can make that effort in sharing the reponsibility, it is only fair that you also share her responsibility too. Make that extra effort in taking care of your children. Make that extra effort to bathe them in the morning, to serve them breakfast, to soothe them when they're crying, to put them to sleep! Then only you will understand, not only the sacrifices of your wife, but also the sacrfices of your own mom. Then only you will understand your child better and bond with them better. Then only, you will see how well developed your child is.

Barulah jadik modern cool-daddy!

If you click on this video above, you'll see how my baby Luqman puts himself to sleep at 2 months old.

Mom used to tell me that I used to shake my head left and right before I doze off to sleep. I thought she was just exageratting the story, UNTIL I see it myself in both my kids! Looks cute actually hihi but this helps me to understand that he's already tired. What I will do next is I'll change him into his PJs and zip him up into his wearable blanket (as seen in video), and put him in his crib, and walaaa...! He will then put himself to sleep.

Just like his sister Aisya, that habit slowly worn off by the time he reached 4 months. Now that he's turning 5 months, he sometimes still shake his head left and right, but signs of him sleepy is not the same anymore.

Many times I've been asked whether I sleep train my baby Luqman to sleep. Here's something I would like to share.

Actually, when Aisya was very little, I developed a habit of nursing her to sleep.  I was juggling between my full time job and part time business at that time, so when it comes to putting my child to sleep, I was too tired to be rocking her to sleep. So, when its time to sleep, I just put her right next to me, feed her, while we both go to sleep, sometimes with my shirt all up.

Halfway down the road, when she was about 8 months or so, I realized that she was dependent on the nipple to sleep! And I became annoyed that our bedtimes were the same and I didn't have that me-time after the baby was asleep (like now!), and whenever I pulled my nipple out, she was crying looking for it if she wasn't full asleep. My body was also aching from the different weird positions of breastfeeding. And worst of all, I didn't really sleep well.

Trying to end this, I looked for ways to train Aisya to sleep. I ordered this book called 'The Sleep Lady®’s Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep Well and Wake Up Happy' from Amazon. I got in touched with Sarah Ong (from Sleep Champ Baby) Malaysia's first certified and most trusted baby and child sleep consultant. However I didn't proceed with the follow up consultations because I find it a little bit pricey. I read lots and lots of articles and I knew what needed to be done, but implementing it on the other hand, is not as simple. I had an even harder time to break the habit that I just gave up and just continued on until she started fully weaning off breastfeeding. (you can read about her weaning off story here)

With Luqman, I decided to be discipline from the start! I realized that it has all got to do with routines & disciplines.

Alhamdulillah for his self-soothing head shaking phase, I have established that 9pm will be his sleeping time. I make sure that he is fed and full. And then I will bring him to our room. It has to be the same room. Remember, routine.

I will put him into his blanket. I give him a kiss and tell him "Its time for you to sleep now Luqman," and then I put him in his crib.

Set the right mood. I put a few drops of Lavender Essential Oil into my YL Diffuser. I also dropped Lavender Essential Oil on his soft toy. You do know that lavender oil is the remedy for a GOOD NIGHT sleep, right? Go google.


And then, I switch off the lights, leaving the door slightly open for some dim light.

Throughout this process, it is important to keep your baby in the sleeping mood. Don't make him smile and laugh. Don't get him excited. Don't play with him. Avoid eye contact.

If he's really sleepy, he shakes his head a little, hug and rub his face on the soft toy, and goes to sleep on his own. Sometimes, when he looks a little bit restless (usually after a lot of new absorbtion during the day), I assist him by singing some dhikir song (or anything but remember that it should be the same song for sleeping time ya) and give him some pat until he looks calm and sleepy but not until he sleeps. Make sure, no eye contact!

Luqman with his infused lavender soft toy

It is important to understand that babies need to LEARN to SLEEP. Yes, it sounds weird but we adults have passed that learning process and we know how to go to sleep easily on our own. So, we must assist babies to LEARN to sleep but not assist them to sleep righaway - get it? It's that PROCESS that they need to LEARN. If we keep putting them to sleep in a certain way, they will always depend on rocking or patting or nursing to sleep. Unless, of course, you don't mind doing that every night.

Once in a while, when we have weddings or late nights, we do break the routine. Sometimes, he falls asleep on his own, but most of the time we will get a sleepy cranky baby at 9pm-ish. I guess its ok to break the routine once in a while, as long as it doesn't happen a few night continously in a row, or you'll have to established the whole routine again.

I've been getting more time for myself and for Aisya after Luqman is asleep. I get to read books to his bigger sister before her sleeping time. I get to stream movies or catch up on Casey Neistat's latest youtube videos. Spend some time with Mr. Read books. Do some house cleaning. Write (or most of the time draft) a blogpost!

I also get my own bedspace to sleep! Not having shoulder or bad aches!

I really hope that this sharing can help new mommies to avoid all that long minutes of rocking or patting or nursing and have that good night sleep (and not wait till the 2nd baby!) Hopefully a short-cut. If you have the time, do read the book - highly recommended.

Till then, all the best mommies!

Me and Mr. have been discussing this from the year before. The right age to send your toddler to school differs from different parent's needs and views.

We chose to send Aisya to school at 3 years old. My parents say "It's a good decision!" and some other parents tell me, "She's too young..."

Aisya grew up having the privilege to be at home with her grandparents. She didn't have to attend nursery/daycare at an early age. Alhamdulillah, rezeki dia.

However now at almost 3 years old, she is in need of socializing, especially because she's the only child. Sometimes I notice that she becomes bored at home of her toys and books, and she ends up in front of the computer, watching YouTube, that can sometimes last for hours.

I don't blame my parents and the nanny at home because it is not their job to entertain my kid. I on the other hand, although have quit my full time job, am not a full-time stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). Yes,  I have more flexible time with my child now - but I'm not always there with her. I have a business in need of attention to grow into a company.

So the routine these days is that she attends playschool from 9am-12pm. During this time, I will be in the office. At 12, I pick her up, send her to my mom's place and spend about an hour or so with her, reading books and listening to her stories, until she doze off, and then I'm back in the office again. By about 5pm, I should be back at my mom's place again.

Glad that office is only 2 minutes away from mom's place!

What does she do in school? It's not like she is attending a school with exams and homeworks. In a typical montessori, they respect a child's natural psychological, physical and social development, so their typical playschool activity include singing, dancing and playing, doing some paintings and colouring, learn some islamic duas/prayers. Personally, I have seen a significant improvement in her social skills, alhamdulillah.

Aisya during artclass

My child now has less time 'feeling bored' which will usually result to youtube on the desktop computer. She looks forward to playing with the kitten at home, and then read some books, and play with her toys before having the chance to feel bored. I noticed that youtube is always her FINAL destination when she is out of idea on what else to do.

If you are the type who spends quality time with your kid at home everyday, go ahead, do so. That would be really good for your kid. Some parents enjoy homeschooling. Good! Somehow, I don't think I have the patience to spend the WHOLE day with my kid at home and entertain her - I'm just not that kind of person. I can easily lose my patience.  Some choose to send to nursery, which is okay too, because they get to socialize.

There may be studies that prove that sending your kid later can lower down the possibility of getting ADHD or hyperactive or what not. There are also parents saying that they want to let their child enjoy childhood. There will always be different opinions.

But here's my two cents.

Aisya and her playschool friends

Aisya's Current Age: 3 Years  Baby's Current Age: 29 weeks in womb 

I try to make it a habit to read before Aisya goes to sleep at night to wind her down and also to cultivate the reading habit. However these days, the pregnancy is really getting to me and by 10, I'm yawning away. So sometimes,  Mr. does the reading instead, which he can always last for 5 minutes tops!

You can really see how we're both different, coming from different ways of growing up. When I read the book, I will read each and every word, together with expression and intonation, showing the words as I read. Mr. on the other hand, will somehow skip certain sentences and then asks Aisya on the characters in the book, and then skip the stories and never finish the book! (taknak ikut peraturan ok!) Sometimes I question, why can't you just read the book as it is?

I think last night, he got bored of reading the same book again and again, he just closed the book and said "Okay Aisya, let me tell you a story instead,"

And then he started creating his own fairytale, with Aisya and mummy and ayah in the story, with the little baby coming, and then there's aeroplanes and horses and beaches and hotels. Aisya was mesmerized! Slowly dozzing off to sleep....

And then it hit me. My husband has always been a dramatic guy with a lot of stories and imaginations. He's a dreamer. He will always come out with random "Cuba you bayangkan...." moments with additional characters and all. Of course he would enjoy telling his stories instead of reading a storybook for his child! 

I don't think I'm a storyteller which is why it is easier if I just read the book to her. My impromptu storytelling may only last... say... 2 minutes? I'm the follow-by-the-book kinda person hehe. 

I'm glad that that happened yesterday. I'm glad that I realized now,  how our both different ways can help shape our child to be well-rounded insyaAllah. 

There really isn't a right or wrong way of parenting really.