rawakramblings: Pregnancy

Last Friday, a dear uncle of mine passed away, after fighting various diseases for 4 years. It was a blessing to see the number of people at the solat jenazah in the mosque.

I, on the other hand, just like all other family members were busy with preparations for the funeral: flowers, drinks for guests, greeting and thanking guests, tahlil and all. That night, just before taking my shower, there was a brown spotting. More than what I had previously. I got worried and panicked.

The last time, it was only a little brown spot, and when I went to see the doctor, doctor told me that I had misabortion - meaning the fetus just stopped growing and died and my body was trying to remove it.

That night, all I oould think of is to see a doctor, to know if the baby is still there or if I have lost it. My parents told me otherwise, to rest in bed and see the doctor the next morning. We hesitated a little but after listening to some doctor's advice, I rested in bed that night, not allowed to walk at all, other than for wudhu' or for toilet.

That night, me and Mr. made lots of prayers, "If this is the best for us, we accept Your decision,". I transferred my cries to being calm and ready for whatever is best for me. Kun Fa Ya Kun - I managed to convinced myself that this time around, I have tried my very best to care for the baby, but if He says that its not time yet, then it is not.

The next morning, we went to see a doctor at 11am. There was that silence between Mr. and me, quietly anxious to know. I was on a wheelchair. Mr got off to the wrong lift. I got annoyed. Our mind was not at the right condition.

When it was time to see the doctor, I took a deep breath, "Bismillah...". He asked us some questions on the last misabortion and on the first pregnancy. He asked if I still had the nausea - yes. Ok, let's do some ultrasound.

I saw the baby, for the first time, as this is our first visit for this pregnancy, yet I was not happy yet, because the last time, the baby was there, but there was no heartbeat. Doctor zoomed in and alhamdulillah, we saw the heartbeat, and we both smiled. 8 weeks and baby is healthy. Doctor noticed a small area of liquid just above the womb and said , "That's probably what is causing the bleeding,".

So doctor gave me a hormone injection and I was on hormone pills, 3 times a day to strengthen my womb. I was told to rest for the whole week, only allowed to walk around the house and most of the time, to just lie down. I've completed a season of Devious Maids and I've placed a few books with me to keep me occupied. It's time to completely rest baby! No need to go to the office, just stay and work from home. No driving. In other words, boredom. But ok, for the sake of the baby.

I haven't really announced to everyone on my pregnancy. Only to some family members. Because I'm worried that I would lost it again. But I like to write about my journey, so whoever reads, you know now. One more month to go till the end of the first trimester, and anything, can happen.

Make dua!

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Once upon a time ago, when we were discussing about when we should be ready for No.2, I told Mr,

"When Aisya is two years old... Then they will be 3 years apart! That will be PERFECT! "

Mr. however said "No.. I think when Aisya is one...,"

Then I said, "No... its too early.. she'll be too small, not having enough love and attention..." and the discussion went on and on until we negotiated to a number in between.. when Aisya turns 1.5 years old. By then, they will be 2 years apart and that is not too bad either.

So when Aisya turned 1.5 years old, I was already mentally prepared for the second one. However, we didn't jump straight into "Okay, lets do this!"...Or started looking at my ovulation calendar etc.

Little did I know the next month, I was already 2 weeks late. And when I told Mr. about it, I can still remember him saying, "Bullshit..." but with this disbelief happy-grin on his face. When the test showed positive, he was like "Allahuakbar... Allah is Great! Kun fa ya kun... if He says "Be! and it is!"..."

Initially, I had a mixed-feeling. I suddenly felt bad and worried about Aisya.. Is she going to get less attention than before? Am I going to love her enough now that there's another one? And then, at the same time, I had to stop breastfeeding her, I even went emotional about it during those first few attempts of weaning her off. Yet I thought I was mentally prepared? Do other mothers go through the same emotional breakdown when they know about the second one? Or is it just me?

However, a week after that, I felt much better and actually pretty excited about our family growing. Aisya suddenly slept through the night and showing signs of independence, eating on her own, sleeping on her own, even playing and reading on her own without needing her mummy and ayah to always be around her. She showed interests in other babies when she sees them - asking me to feed the baby 'susu' (milk) or patting the baby, trying to put the baby to sleep. 8 more months down the road, she will be that kakak that will be even more ready for another sibling, insyaAllah :)

Don't need to ask me about Mr - he was all excited from the start!

During the first check-up

With all that excitement, we went for a second check-up last Saturday, with a not-so-nice-news from the doctor. Alhamdulillah, baby is growing well. I could hear the heartbeat. She was already 9 weeks then. However, she was a little bit concern that the size of my waterbag is a little too small as compared to the size of the fetus. "I am little bit worried of the possibility of miscarriage," she said.

2nd Checkup- EDD 19th June 2015

I told my father-in-law about this and what he said calmed me, "You know, Allah has set and planned everything. If he says the baby will survive, he/she will, if he says otherwise, then it will be as so,"

What we need to do now is work on it, berusaha.. eat well, take extra care of my health, eat pregnancy multivitamins, don't exert myself, and do lots and lots of prayers.. insyaAllah, during the next check up, we will see the waterbag grow with the baby.

It was also a good sign for us to take a step back - to be a little bit less excited and remember Allah more, and be prepared for anything - just like how we should be prepared for anything else in our lives as Allah can take any of them away just like that, be it your wealth, you child, your career, your home, your parents, your partner...etc.

If you're reading this, I seek you to also make dua for me, that everything goes well with the rest of my pregnancy, insyaAllah :)

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It was my 39th week pregnancy check-up. As usual, I had to do my urine test. It was then I noticed that brown spot. I went back to Dr Delaila's clinic and told the nurse about the brown spot, she said, "Waa..that's usually the sign. Do you feel any contraction?" "Err... no. I'm not too sure how its supposed to feel like," I said. The nurse just smiled and told me to wait till my turn to see the doctor and see what she says about it.

While waiting, both me and Mr. were excited thinking "Oohhh, the day is finally HERE!," I on the other hand, also had some nervousness in me - worried about labour pain and all.

While waiting for our appointment number, had breakfast at Dome at SDMC.

When seeing Dr. Delaila, she checked on the opening of my cervix. "Hmm.. it has opened. But still very small. Not even a centimeter. That's alright. Just make sure you take extra calcium tablets and I'll see you next week yah. Here's another 5 days of MC. Just make sure you come to Level 4 whenever you feel a contraction of 5 minutes interval,"

"Not the time yet," I whatsapped our family group. And so Mr. sent me back home and head over to his weekend masters class.

At home, I had lontong for lunch and watched an episode of HIMYM on 711 Astro. Occasionally I felt my stomach stretched and told myself that maybe I should time that, just in case that is what they say a contraction should feel like. And so I timed using a contraction apps on my iPhone. 50mins. 20mins. 50mins. 30mins. And they lasted 1 min per 'contraction'. "Hmm... maybe this isn't contraction,"...

I went into my room for Zuhur prayers, and then I read Surah Maryam and prayed to Allah to ease my labour and shorten my labour pain. I've always prayed to have a short labour so that I will have the strength to breast-feed my baby straight after birth. I drank some zamzam water (which I've been drinking for the past 2 weeks) and then took a nap. It was during this sleep that I felt these contractions slightly painful - more like diarrhea tummy pain - in which, did make me go in and out of the toilet later with diarrhea. At this time, I knew it was contractions because it became more and more prominent and they were 20 minutes apart, 1 min duration each.

At around 5pm, contractions became painful. The funny thing is, in between contractions, I feel perfectly fine that I can even eat fried bananas! I prayed Asar and again, prayed for a short labour and this time around, tawakal to Allah - I said "I know that YOU know what is going to happen and I have prayed for the very best and done what is necessary and now I'm letting things happen the way it should, the way you've decided... just give me the strength,". I can still remember that contraction came during my last rakaat that I had to pause and breathe in and out deeply to stand the pain.

By 6pm, I couldn't stand it anymore. I knew it was time. I called Mr and said, "I think you should come back now.. I think it's time," I swear I can hear excited-ness in his voice when he replied, "Ok. ok.. leaving now," -- hello?? I'm in pain here..why so happy?

I double checked my labour bag for all the necessary documents and things to bring to the hospital and then I head into the shower for a round of hot shower. Hot shower really calms me down! Breathing deeply under the hot shower...so relaxing..! Didn't realize how long it was that when I came out, Mr was already back home. By then, when contraction came, couldn't stand straight.

Mr. hugged me and said, "I maafkan you yang, for everything," Then I hugged my parents and said my apologies to them for all my wrongdoings, not because I was afraid of not surviving labour but to get blessings to ease my labour process. Then, off we went to the hospital, which was only 2 mins away btw.

7pm, we were already in the labour room. The midwife checked on my dilation and said, "4cm and your contractions are 2 minutes apart. Kuat jugak awak than sakit ye..ni dah active labour dah, " and then I Mr. said, "Ohh alhamdulillah, dah almost halfway dah!,"

"Awak dah decide nak pain killer apa?".. asked the midwife.
"Gas je..."
"Waahhh.. bagus ni,"
I told myself, "Yes, come on, you can stand this,"

Mr. prayed Maghrib next to me in the labour room.. and then Isya'..and then solat hajat. and I can't remember if he read the Quran but I remember seeing him reciting some surahs and throughout contractions, I remember him zikr which helped me to zikr also in my head because honestly, contractions were sooo painful that you tend to forget everything. He also helped with the breathing methods during contractions, which was something we learned during the pre-natal classes that we attended.

Everytime during contraction, I looked for Mr's hands, "Tangan...tangan..sayang..." and I held them really really tightly and transferred all that pain to his hand.. it felt like a relief! Mr told me later that I was really squeezing his hand and fingers really really tight that it hurts but he pretended that he could stand it because he knew I was going through worst..Kesiannn dia..sorry dear!

By 9pm, I asked for some gas and they told me that gas (enthonox) can only be given when I'm 7cm dilated. By then I was only 6cm. I was shocked! I didn't know that there was a limit as to when I can use the gas. I was mentally prepared to use the gas as the pain killer.

"Kita boleh bagi injection kalau puan tak boleh tahan.."

"Takpe.. takpe.. saya boleh tahan..."

Pfft! Lasted only for a few more contractions....and then I gave up and called for the midwife, "Okay.. bagi injection,".. better known as pethidine.

The pain was the same. But I felt my muscles more relax. My back didn't hurt anymore. The pain focused on only the contraction and in between contractions, I could have a few minutes of nap to rest and gain back my energy.

They gave me gas to breathe during contractions by about 10pm and then everything else felt really quick. Doc came in. I made some crazy ridiculous comments about her attire due to me being high on the drugs. Then I felt some hot water gushing out. Dr. broke my water bag. Then she left. She came back in again. They asked me to push. I pushed hard. But it still wasn't hard enough. It felt like a really really bad constipation and I really had to get this really big huge gigantic rock out. I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed again. and again and again and again.. and then she was out!

Dr.Delaila passed the scissors to Mr. for him to cut the umbilical cord, then.. I heard cries.. baby cries. I saw the midwives took her to be cleaned and then weigh her and passed her to Mr. Honestly it was hard to compose how I felt. I wasn't all 'Ahhh-she's-so-beautiful-it's-a-miracle' - I just sat there and just looked at everything not feeling anything. Then I heard Mr. recite the Azan to Aisya and then the midwife passed the baby to me. That was the first time I saw her, quiet and asleep, and I looked at Mr. and we both smiled.

The first glimpse of Aisya, just before cutting off the umbilical cord.

"Okay..we're going to leave your here for 30 minutes. Boleh susukan baby and relax dulu sementara tunggu bilik siap..dah tau macam mana nak susukan baby?"

"Err...first time ni,"I replied and the midwife smiled and showed me how. Aisya was just quiet and the minute we directed the nipple to her mouth, she went all active and excited..after a few attempts, she was already sucking, Alhamdulillah..I got what I wished and prayed for - to breastfeed my baby right after birth to let her get all the colostrum she needs to enable her to be strong. It was then, that I said to myself. ".. Alhamdulillah,"

The first time I held her in my arms.

Born 11.22pm 2nd March 2013, weighing 2.77kg. Meet our baby girl, Aisya :)

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