"The baby's size didn't grow much from the last time. It seems that it has stopped growing…"

"There's no blood vessels coming into the fetus…"

"The heart has stopped beating…."

All the time the doctor was saying this throughout the ultrascan, me and Mr. only said "Oh…ok…ok…"

"Did you fell down?" the doctor asked. "No.." I said.
"Have you been eating well?" she asked again. "Yes, I seem to be eating quite a lot,"
"Ada demam tak?" she asked. "No, doctor,"

"I'm sorry but these kind of early pregnancy miscarriages happens a lot and I really cannot find a definite reason for it happening. It just happens,"

Me and Mr. left the doctor's clinic feeling a little bit devastated and shocked with the news. Although doctor has warned us before (you can read the post here), little did I know that I was going to feel this way.

We spent quite sometime analyzing what went wrong. Maybe its the days that I forgot to eat the vitamins. Maybe its the coffee I take in the morning sometimes. Maybe its the jeruk I had last week. Maybe its that time that I felt backache and very very tired (refer previous post). Maybe its because I carried Aisya. Maybe its that time that Aisya kicked me.

And the reasons can go on and on. The truth is, like the doctor said, miscarriages at this early stage of the pregnancy happens to about 50% of women. Its just a matter of chance. Kun fa ya kun. If He says "Be! and it is!…"

Took the rest of the day off and rest at my mom's home while Mr went back to the office. While having tea, I told her "I'm worried about Mr, he looks like he was really sad. I think I'm quite okay because I didn't really put my hopes high,"

Little did I know that I was actually holding back my tears. When he came back from the office and we were on our way back home, I suddenly cried… and cried and just kept on crying. He hugged me and cried too.

"Allah knows best dear,"

"I know. I just didn't expect to feel this sad. I thought I was mentally prepared,"

But the truth is, who can REALLY be THAT prepared?

I know Allah only tests us with challenges that He knows we can bear. I have the strongest salute to other mothers who have gone through worst than me. You are definitely much stronger than me and can handle bigger challenges from Allah.

Ya Allah, syukur…I'm grateful that you still love us, and challenge us to remind us of who is in power. I'm grateful that you took my baby's life at this early stage of the pregnancy, before we started putting even more hopes. I'm grateful that we have Aisya, our first child, healthy and smart. There's reasons (hikmah) on why this happen and Allah knows best.

I felt much much better after crying and we went to have some ice cream last night. With this little cutie who doesn't fail to make us laugh.

Today, doctor have schedule d&c for me, to remove and clean the fetus from my womb. InsyaAllah today will be a better day for all of us.

Inalillahi Wainailahi Rojiun - "Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"