rawakramblings

For the past one week or so, I've been lying down on the sofa, while doing some work on my laptop but spending most of my time, watching series. Doc told me to rest and I rested, physically and mentally.

I've completed all three season of Devious Maids..Heeee ;)

I LOVE the series because the ladies are soo hot (eventhough they're maids) and because of the mysterious stories behind every rich family in Beverly Hills.

Somehow, noticed that the westerns make an effort in dressing up, even when they're at home. And then I remembered staying over with an Australian family when I was 12 and they too, take dinner time as a time to sit down with the family, dressed up well, even when its just at home.

They seem to put the effort to look good. And I think that's lacking in a lot of us in Malaysia. It is not our tradition.

We dress nicely to go out but we don't do so at home. At home, we ( or at least me ) are at our sloppiest. I enjoy wearing large tshirts (usually belonging to Mr.) with a pair of loose pants. From dinner time till time to sleep. Mr. wears his sarong or his sweatpants.  Oh my, I feel like we both need to make an effort to look good, at least for our partners!

I know they say that when you're comfortable with your partner, you will start being your real self, wearing things that are comfortable, sharing clothes, going to the toilet with the door open. But you know what, there's really nothing wrong with a little bit of effort, right?

Especially referring to us ladies in hijab. We wear hijab modestly, who says that you need to be modest when you're at home? Which is why Arabs, shop for the sexiest lingerie. And when you see the ladies behind the niqab, they're usually very very pretty, with face all make-up, smelling really good, manicured fingernails...even I can sometimes look at them in awe.  All for their husbands, masyaAllah, how noble is that.

There was this one time, when we were watching the Asian Food Channel (AFC), we came about a chef who cooked lamb head in Morroco. Mr. had the craziest idea to give it a try and so during the recent Eid Mubarak, we managed to get two pieces of lamb heads and my dad cooked them and it turned out tender and sweet and everyone loved it! However, not many can stand seeing the head of the lamb and seeing people eating them, so this is a warning before watching the video!

Last Friday, a dear uncle of mine passed away, after fighting various diseases for 4 years. It was a blessing to see the number of people at the solat jenazah in the mosque.

I, on the other hand, just like all other family members were busy with preparations for the funeral: flowers, drinks for guests, greeting and thanking guests, tahlil and all. That night, just before taking my shower, there was a  brown spotting. More than what I had previously. I got worried and panicked.

The last time, it was only a little brown spot, and when I went to see the doctor, doctor told me that I had misabortion - meaning the fetus just stopped growing and died and my body was trying to remove it.

That night, all I oould think of is to see a doctor, to know if the baby is still there or if I have lost it. My parents told me otherwise, to rest in bed and see the doctor the next morning. We hesitated a little but after listening to some doctor's advice, I rested in bed that night, not allowed to walk at all, other than for wudhu' or for toilet.

That night, me and Mr. made lots of prayers, "If this is the best for us, we accept Your decision,". I transferred my cries to being calm and ready for whatever is best for me. Kun Fa Ya Kun - I managed to convinced myself that this time around, I have tried my very best to care for the baby, but if He says that its not time yet, then it is not.

The next morning, we went to see a doctor at 11am. There was that silence between Mr. and me, quietly anxious to know. I was on a wheelchair. Mr got off to the wrong lift. I got annoyed. Our mind was not at the right condition.

When it was time to see the doctor, I took a deep breath, "Bismillah...". He asked us some questions on the last misabortion and on the first pregnancy. He asked if I still had the nausea - yes. Ok, let's do some ultrasound.

I saw the baby, for the first time, as this is our first visit for this pregnancy, yet I was not happy yet, because the last time, the baby was there, but there was no heartbeat. Doctor zoomed in and alhamdulillah, we saw the heartbeat, and we both smiled. 8 weeks and baby is healthy. Doctor noticed a small area of liquid just above the womb and said , "That's probably what is causing the bleeding,".

So doctor gave me a hormone injection and I was on hormone pills, 3 times a day to strengthen my womb. I was told to rest for the whole week, only allowed to walk around the house and most of the time, to just lie down. I've completed a season of Devious Maids and I've placed a few books with me to keep me occupied. It's time to completely rest baby! No need to go to the office, just stay and work from home. No driving. In other words, boredom. But ok, for the sake of the baby.

I haven't really announced to everyone on my pregnancy. Only to some family members. Because I'm worried that I would lost it again. But I like to write about my journey, so whoever reads, you know now. One more month to go till the end of the first trimester, and anything, can happen.

Make dua!

I personally think there's a difference between a businessman/women and an entrepreneur. I think a businessman sells products and there's a lot of them around. However, an entrepreneur creates business that serves a bigger objective. I see entrepreneurs as people with skills and brains, who knows how to empower people. I see entrepreneurs knowing the shortcuts to success. I see entrepreneurs as those who see long term goals and come out with creative brilliant ideas that others don't see.

After a couple of years being in this scene, I have learnt a lot. There are many out there that are short sighted. Only wanting to achieve a higher profit but do not see the importance of establishing a long term relationship. Tamak or Tak Sabar, they say. Which is why they go up high very fast but quickly collapsed too.

There are also out there that do not understand the power of collaboration - that when you work together, you can achieve a bigger and stronger goal. Most companies want to stand up on their own and then bring down others. Typical Malays I guess.

There are also companies that like the idea of selling, but not knowing how much they actually make monthly. They don't emphasize on their monthly financial reports - something that I've also just recently learned.

I personally think there's a difference between those who choose to leave something behind as either fighters or quitters.  I noticed that those who leave the workforce, claiming to 'try something new' are NOT really fighters but actually do that as an escape route, because they're spoiled. I noticed that people that give excuses are usually those who easily give up when a challenge comes.

Do you quit your current job because you cannot stand with what's happening and you want to try something new?

Or do you quit you current job because you are out to fight for something bigger?

Are you really a fighter? Or just a quitter?

I prayed dhuha and I cried. I cried really hard. I felt ashamed, very very ashamed towards Him. And at that particular point, I felt small.

For the past week, I've been missing my Subuh prayers, failing to wake up. Lalai. Forgotten about my duties towards my Lord.

Every morning and every night before sleep, I tell myself "Subuh!" but deep inside, I didn't really mean it. I was lazy. I just wanted to sleep in.

Yet, this morning, I was shocked with a two-line positive test. I'm pregnant again! MasyaAllah, what a shame. He can have the power to give me rezeki, a baby insyaAllah, and I cannot even do as little as waking up for fajr prayers. I cried of shame, of happiness, of syukur.

The truth is, does Allah really need us to pray to Him? No He doesn't. He is powerful none the less. We forget that we are only helping ourselves by praying to Him.

Today, I'm being reminded again on how mighty and powerful Allah is. Today, I feel tiny. He doesn't really need me to bow to Him and he will still keep on blessing you with ways that you cannot imagine.

Allahu Akbar.