rawakramblings

# Mr. presented his thesis this morning, insyaAllah this will be the finale of his Thesis Saga.

# Doctor said I cannot be pregnant for another 3 more months to let my womb heal properly. By then, Aisya will be exactly 2 years old.

# After attending Twins of Faith 2014 last weekend, I'm getting even more thirsty for more knowledge. The iman boost that you get after attending these kind of talks is just awesome! Now, to maintain it.

# I got myself Neelofa's Collagen product - The Bellavita. Tried it for the first time yesterday. Nice smell, awful taste, but managed to swallow it down. Lets see what wonders can this product bring.

# Its funny how other people around me are more concerned about what I'm supposed to eat and what not to eat after a miscarriage. Not too sure if its 'caring' or 'busybody'.

# It has been very easy to out Aisya to sleep these days, alhamdulillah! She also doesn't wake up at night anymore, so I'm actually sleeping throughout the night now.

# Mr. said I should start exercising. I'm probably losing too much weight because I'm unhealthy.

# I'm wearing socks to office today to cover my aurah. I tried this during Ramadhan but didn't last long. Semoga istiqamah this time around.

# I'm seeing even more hikmah (reasons) behind my recent miscarriage. So many! Allah really knows best, masyaAllah.

I've read that there are 3 options in handling miscarriage:

1. Let it happen naturally
2. With the help of Misoprostol Pills - which is also used for abortion
3. Dillation & Curretage procedure (D&C)

"Can I let it happen naturally?" I asked the first time.

"You can. But it will be messy. With lots of blood. You need to be near the hospital in case of anything,". She didn't warned me that it is also painful. I found out this too from some friends and also from the net. It will be like a 6-8hours of contraction & bleeding, even more painful than the usual menstrual pain.

Doctor initially suggested that I put 3 misoprostol pills into the vagina and come back to her clinic the next day and see if my body has expel everything from the womb.

After reading sooo many horror stories on google, I decided that I want to proceed with Option No.3.

Came back to the clinic and was told that even for Option No.3, I still need to put in the pills because my body doesn't seem to be expelling the fetus inside. And the pills helps to loosen the cervix to ease the D & C procedure.

An hour after the pill was in, I felt dizzy and cold. The cramps started. And when I was admitted in the hospital, the nurse confirmed that I have a slight fever. Mind you, I also had to fast, and my last meal was 8pm the night before. "This is normal. Side effect of the misoprostol pills," said the nurse.

And so I waited in bed. I was in pain. But not as painful as my usual menstrual pain, nothing that I couldn't handle. I think if I were to wait another 3 more hours or so, the pain would be stronger. However lucky me that there was a slot an hour later, and so I was brought to the Operating Theater.

My very first time in the OT. I was sooo scared! I didn't know I could be that scared! I've never had any drip before and when I saw them putting this long needle into my hands, I got scared too. Drama I know. But this is my very very first time. I even had thoughts of being awake during the procedure. Yes, drama. I know.

I was put to sleep. The next thing I realized, I was waken up by the nurse, telling me that it's all done. Alhamdulillah!

Vomitted a little. Side effect of the anesthetic it seems. And then I dozed off to sleep.

The next day, doctor did her final check up and said, "Where is it that you said you wanted to go again the other day? Istanbul?"

"No, Vietnam."

"Okay, you can go. You're not bleeding badly. Just make sure you take things slow. Come see me next Tuesday. You will be given MC until you see me then,"

I was told my many friends and relatives to take care and pantang, just like how I'd do after delivering. Doc said I don't have to take it too seriously. Just don't be too extreme in my activities. So I've chose to wear socks the first few days, make sure I keep myself warm. Don't eat anything spicy or sour. Walk slowly. Don't carry anything heavy.

So anyways, here I am, at my mom's place, 2nd day of MC, getting ready for Vietnam. InsyaAllah, it will be a good break from what just happened :)

"The baby's size didn't grow much from the last time. It seems that it has stopped growing…"

"There's no blood vessels coming into the fetus…"

"The heart has stopped beating…."

All the time the doctor was saying this throughout the ultrascan, me and Mr. only said "Oh…ok…ok…"

"Did you fell down?" the doctor asked. "No.." I said.
"Have you been eating well?" she asked again. "Yes, I seem to be eating quite a lot,"
"Ada demam tak?" she asked. "No, doctor,"

"I'm sorry but these kind of early pregnancy miscarriages happens a lot and I really cannot find a definite reason for it happening. It just happens,"

Me and Mr. left the doctor's clinic feeling a little bit devastated and shocked with the news. Although doctor has warned us before (you can read the post here), little did I know that I was going to feel this way.

We spent quite sometime analyzing what went wrong. Maybe its the days that I forgot to eat the vitamins. Maybe its the coffee I take in the morning sometimes. Maybe its the jeruk I had last week. Maybe its that time that I felt backache and very very tired (refer previous post). Maybe its because I carried Aisya. Maybe its that time that Aisya kicked me.

And the reasons can go on and on. The truth is, like the doctor said, miscarriages at this early stage of the pregnancy happens to about 50% of women. Its just a matter of chance. Kun fa ya kun. If He says "Be! and it is!…"

Took the rest of the day off and rest at my mom's home while Mr went back to the office. While having tea, I told her "I'm worried about Mr, he looks like he was really sad. I think I'm quite okay because I didn't really put my hopes high,"

Little did I know that I was actually holding back my tears. When he came back from the office and we were on our way back home, I suddenly cried… and cried and just kept on crying. He hugged me and cried too.

"Allah knows best dear,"

"I know. I just didn't expect to feel this sad. I thought I was mentally prepared,"

But the truth is, who can REALLY be THAT prepared?

I know Allah only tests us with challenges that He knows we can bear. I have the strongest salute to other mothers who have gone through worst than me. You are definitely much stronger than me and can handle bigger challenges from Allah.

Ya Allah, syukur…I'm grateful that you still love us, and challenge us to remind us of who is in power. I'm grateful that you took my baby's life at this early stage of the pregnancy, before we started putting even more hopes. I'm grateful that we have Aisya, our first child, healthy and smart. There's reasons (hikmah) on why this happen and Allah knows best.

I felt much much better after crying and we went to have some ice cream last night. With this little cutie who doesn't fail to make us laugh.




Today, doctor have schedule d&c for me, to remove and clean the fetus from my womb. InsyaAllah today will be a better day for all of us.

Inalillahi Wainailahi Rojiun - "Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"