rawakramblings

Last night, just before sleeping, I'm not sure how it started but somehow me and Mr. got into a little argument, with me pouring out my heart, about how unhappy I was, and how heavy I feel the weight on my shoulder is. I was crying and crying and crying saying things like "If only.." . Of course it then led on to some blaming games on who's right and who's wrong and a lot of "You, you and you," and "Me, me and me" - and then after 5 minutes of quiet time, Mr. said something that made everything clearer to me. 

"You know, whatever it is you're feeling, have you ever bowed and cried to Allah, asking him for help? Do you know that He can provide it to you, if you ask for it?"

He was saying a lot of things for the next 2 hours or so, but it made me realize that I have been getting things pretty easy in this Dunya all this while. All I needed to do was to put a little effort, and then I'll get it. But somehow, life now, with the business that involves the Deen, and a business that involves my husband and the whole family, I have been putting effort, but with no significant impact or results. I just keep trying and trying, working hard, or working smart - you tell me, I think I've done it all. But the results are the same. 

"You want Akhirah right? That was what you were seeking when you met me right? So if you want the Akhirah, Allah will have to test you, in order to elevate your imaan. But if you've been practicing the religion the same way that you've been doing it from your high school years, from your uni years, how will Allah reward you with something different? Yes, in terms of Dunya, you have been working hard, but what about it terms of the Deen?" Mr. reminded me. 

I was putting Dunya on my shoulders - searching for temporary happiness - looking for perfection. And it keeps disappointing me. And when it comes to the Deen, yes, I have been practicing, but the same thing. I haven't done any extras, or really seek for His help. 

"Lets give it another two more months. Work hard, and pray hard. Let's see how things turn out," he challenged me. 

Of course there were more deeper conversations, involving how the brand represents us, and that me, him, the business, all should be aligned with the same purpose - to Jannah. 

"Let go, leave your "what if's" because Allah has set things the way they are. Trust the process, trust Allah,"

..................................

At the end of all that, we slept at 4, with me saying "Thank you, for reminding me again, why I chose to marry you 8 years ago, "

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine earlier, talking about how we've moved from our uni years - to now having kids of our own. 

It's funny how when we were in uni, we both thought that we might end up with the guy that we were dating at that time. I didn't, and she, on the other hand, got divorced. How naive we were, thinking that marriage - is the happily ever after. 

Sometimes you see perfect couples (on instagram, obviously), and you wonder, if every other couple is as happy as that, and that only you're the only ones with issues. And then suddenly, the next thing you know, those happily married couples you see on instagram, are actually having bigger issues, like infidelities for instance. Truth is, every marriage has its struggles.

Being married feels like you're carrying such a big responsibility, I feel. Sometimes I miss those times when I was single, with no responsibilities of being a mother and a wife.  Those days, you think you're in love with your boyfriend, and then you get married, and then you live happily ever after right (boooo to all those disney princesses fairy tales!) - but no! It's just the start of the journey it seems. 

"Why do you think people say that getting married is separuh dari agama?" she said. "It's because you have to fight for it, fight for your Jannah," - MasyaAllah. So so true indeed. How can you think, that things will be perfect here in this Dunya? Nothing is, you will have to struggle, and fight for your place in Jannah. All those challenges that Allah throw to you, you are expected to reach out to Him, and then be a better Muslim, and insyaAllah go through things smoothly. 

Does it mean that there shouldn't be happiness in marriage? Or in life in general? I don't know. You tell me. 

Running a business, keeping the house organized, taking care of the kids, making sure that they're good caliphs of this Dunya, carry out your responsibility as a wife - sometimes it all feels very overwhelming, like you're swimming in this sea of big waves, just struggling to keep afloat. It feels like you're a zombie, just going through your days. 

Do we do things because of responsibilities? Or because of love? 

I SUCK AT HOUSEWORK. I wonder what took me sooo long to realize this lols.

Growing up with a helper at home, I'm used to having the house in a tip-top condition. But not used to be the one maintaining it that way.

Mom told me that ever since we were small, we never had to do housework because to her, all that mattered was that we studied well, so all the housework is done by the maid (spoilt much?)

We ate and left our plates in the sink to be washed. Beds are made by the maid. We didn't have to sweep or mop the floor. No folding clothes. None.

So when I was in boarding school, I remember that I was one of the messy ones. My clothes locker were always messy. Every morning, I would push everything in, and quickly close the doors of the locker so that none of the clothes would fall. Weekends, mom would come over and help me keep the clothes tidy. She would laugh, but never really emphasized that it was a big thing. As long as I studied well, you know. To her, these kind of things, can easily be learned as we grow up.

And I guess she was right. Later in my late teens, I flew off to Sydney, where I stayed with housemates. I learned a lot then, vacuuming the house, washing the plates, cooking, keeping the house tidy, although I did struggle a little with my own room. Once every few months, I would spring-clean, hoping that my room would look like how it is in my own home back in Malaysia, but will end up being messy again in a week or so.

Now, we're living on my own, with Mr. and the kids, and it mattered so much to me that the house is not in a tip-top condition, eventhough I don't know how to solve them. I know how I want it to look, but I never seem to ever achieved it. Marie Kondo helped me quite a bit, making me understand the whole concept of cleaning up and getting things organized. And I realized, that it's a process.

I was talking to some random lady about a year back, who shared with me why she was always stressed up coming back home, and then I started analyzing why I complain so much and feel so stressed up when I reach home. It's because the home, doesn't feel like a home. It's just a house with people and things.

Everytime I come back, I see all-the-housework that I've not done - and all the things that have to be done, and seems impossible to be completed. It's either we hire a maid (which seems financially impossible) or I take matter in my own hands. That was when I realize, I need to learn this. I need to stop complaining, and I need to learn to do housework at 32 years old.

So it has been a year now, and it is one of the hardest things to learn honestly. Meeting up to my own expectations, I sometimes push myself a little too hard. It's a process, bits and pieces of habits that needs to be built, and some that needs to be stopped (like leaving cups everywhere in the house, for instance) When it's a habit, the voices in your head that says "You can do it later," just slowly stops. You realize that you can do things, without complaints.

Once in a while, I burst, towards Mr. of course, blaming him for not assisting me. Which also makes him help around more too, alhamdulillah. He tells me he struggles with waking up early in the morning, and I tell him I struggle with housework. He expects me to also struggle with him to wake up early, and I expect him to struggle with housework, just like me, and then one day I told him, "You know, we're all trying to be better here, you with your 5am routine, and me with my housework. Our personal goals may sound ridiculous to one another, but hey, let's try to respect each other's goals here, and not expect each other to have the same goals," - and it has been better ever since!

Anyways back to housework, I need what Marie Kondo has done is awesome. I mean, who would thing that "Getting your house organized" is the hardest thing to do? I still am struggling, and still got a long way to go, but I'm pretty happy with the journey so far, and I understand now, its a process - and how important it is to train your kids to do housework! Or they will sufferrrrrrrr in the future muahahahaha.

Haywire, that's how my routine has been this past one week.

Last weekend, we had a bazaar, and after quite sometime not joining a bazaar, I have to say, we were quite 'karat'. Setting up and down was slow. Stocks kelam kabut. But alhamdulillah, sales were good.

But because the bazaar ended at 11pm, for two nights, we reached home to our kids around 12.30 midnight, when they were already asleep. And then waking up early in the morning again the next day.

Just post bazaar, on Monday, we decided to take things slow a little, and started our day a bit later, with the kids skipping school to spend some time with us. But on Tuesday, after picking up Luqman from school, he started vomitting and had a temperature, so on Wednesday, I had to stay home with him to monitor him.

Just as he was getting better on Thursday evening, Kakak Aisya started fever-ish, and was down the next day. Now, is already Sunday, and she's been vomitting for the past two days. Told ourselves if she vomits again today, then she will have to be admitted. Luqman on the other hand, who was looking better, suddenly down with fever again last night.

So, you can imagine how my resting and sleeping has been since last weekend. I've been waking up 2 -3 times at night. I even choose to sleep late, by sitting next to the kids, while watching some series, just to make sure that they're calmly asleep, no hike in temperature, then only I'll go to sleep. And then to wake up at 5 also for sahur, and then Luqman will wake up too, and then I'll be too tired, I'll go to sleep and then wake up again, shocked that it's already almost 10am in the morning.

But you know what, I'm a mother first, then only a business owner. So, work had to be my second priority, squeezing in whenever possible.

But my health, that's something I need to monitor too.

Looking forward for yoga this morning to bring that positive vibe!

I don't know about you, but for me when I was younger, I've always perceived that my future husband, should be my imam. So before getting married to Mr, I looked forward for the day that I will be his makmum. So on the first night of our marriage, I still remember it clearly until now, that feeling of happiness, when we prayed Isya' together, and then we make du'a, for a blessed marriage, and then I will kiss his hand and then he kissed my forehead (macam drama TV3 la pulak...insert some romantic song) and then years after, life happened, and prayers are done individually, only occasionally in congregation.

So the second night of Ramadhan, after breaking fast, we both took our wudhu' and was about to make our own prayers, that I said "You jadik imam je la," - "Hah, okay," - and then we do the usual du'a after prayers, and then 'I kiss his hand and he kissed my forehead' still happened but in a more fast-forward version, without any romantic songs. Haha. That is what happened after 7 years of marriage guysssss....but that is not the point here.

I spent sometime to reflect after, and then I realized how many chances Allah has given us to multiple our rewards (i.e pahala) and how we're wasting them and not taking those chances. Something as simple as congregational prayers (i.e solat jemaah) for instance, can be done with your closest family members, daily, and your rewards are multiplied, daily. The ramadhan month, all your good deeds and ibadah, they are all multiplied, this whole month, and yet we find excuses not to do the extras.

And then I started reflecting on our business, and realized also that, many doors have been opened for us alhamdulillah. But are we really grabbing the opportunity? There's just so many chances and opportunity out there, and here we are, giving excuses like "no time" and "too tired" - giving priorities on the wrong thing. Is this our overall attitude in life? How are we going to succeed in being the best of the bests? The creamest of the creamest? In business and in being a muslim.

There are Muslims in other part of the world, in a warzone, and some other parts, being punished and tortured for practicing Islam, and here we are, given the freedom and the time to collect as much points, yet we're not utilizing it. This is the best shortcut to all the sins we've done, as a human.

Time waits for no man. One day, it will be our time. Lets grab all the opportunities we can, starting with the Ramadhan month !

Yesterday evening, Mr. excitedly invited me and the kids to go for a walk at the lake nearby our house. And there I was, very low on energy, on my 3rd day of fasting, contemplating very hard on whether I should do it or not. But the kids were excited, so this Mommy had to take all the energy that's left and go for that walk.  It didn't turned out that bad after all :)


Later on in the evening, we all went to the masjid to break our fast, together with my mom and my sisters. We all shared a big talam (plate) of briyani rice with 4 pieces of chicken sambal and a handful of fried paru (lung) with some salad at the side. Quite a nice experience to sit around the talam and eating together. Talam was supposed to be shared by 4 people. There were 5 of us, and another 2 kids, but alhamdulillah, we all had enough portion - probably the effect of barakah - everyone was full.



And then we talked about how the masjid in Bukit Jelutong (about 15mins away from our place) always have nice moreh (supper) and then just like that, we decided to head over there for our Isya' and Terawikh prayers. Kononnya masjid-hopping, because we've also tried 2 different mosques during these first 3 days of Ramadhan heeeeeeee.

The masjid in Bukit Jelutong was sooo meriah! Macam hari raya! There were soo many people, the masjid was very lively, tents were put up for people to break their fast and eat moreh after their prayers, trees were light up with those Christmas-lights. Carpets were also placed outside at the walkway for people to pray because it was to full inside. MasyaAllah - hidupnya masjid ni, meriahnya suasananya.


Since we were late, of course we had to pray outside - with no air-cond - but the good thing is, the kids get to play at the small play area where they could see me. After the isya's prayers, there was a short tazkirah, reminding us on the meaning of Ramadhan. And then, the terawikh prayers started.

The imam chose to cut the surahs between the rakaats, instead of finishing one full long surah per-rakaat. The good thing about that is, that we don't get our mind distracted elsewhere, trying to focus on a long surah. And I think, the other good thing is, school kids and young working adults get to go back early, and even if the working adults stayed on, it is very possible to complete 8 rakaats too.

8 rakaats of terawikh ended in 25minutes, at 9.30pm, so if some would like to stayed on, it will only be until about 10pm, which is still okay. The masjid in SS15 Subang ends its 4 rakaat of terawikh at 10pm, so staying on will be a little too late.

So I said to Mr, I think my theory of why there are many people here is because:
1. Short recitations
2. Nice moreh! - we had bihun tomyam for moreh  - but the masjid 15 food is better!

What is your take? Do you agree on shorter terawikh prayers? I know longer is better, spiritually. But being practical, I just think shorter is better, for the whole community.

So, which masjid next?

If you refer to my post here, about 5 months ago, I realized that I've gained some weight. Something that is a shock to me, because all these years, my weight's been quite the same, no matter how much I ate. I've heard of mothers struggling to lose weight post-pregnancy, however for me, I actually lost 3kgs due to breast-feeding and lack of sleep but now after 1 year after I've stopped breastfeeding my youngest, I have gained 7kgs.

Last two weeks, I randomly did a body-scan, and then saw some insights on my body. Yes, gained 7kgs (alhamdulillah still there, not gaining more), but my body muscle falls in the 'under' range  while my body fat falls under the "above" range. What's worst, my visceral fat (fat around the organs) is also high. Seeee --- who says that just because I look thin, I'm healthy? I may look thin because of my height and my very-kurus wrist, but underneath all that 'abaya', 'jubah' and oversized shirts, you see flabby tummy and a big big hip.

So I asked Mr, what do I really have to do to work on my tummy and thigh. I've googled and YouTube and there's just so many out there. Where do I start? Do I have to get all those equipments that they've shown? I'm not used to the word exercise, and so this is quite daunting to me LOL. He said "Why don't you ask Coach Fareed?"

Coach Fareed is a dear friend of Mr - who has also trained and guided him to lose weight these past couple of months. Mr. have lost 6kgs after 2 months of training, alhamdulillah.

I took the opportunity to asked him and got some feedbacks.

I have a high metabolic rate - which is why I don't easily gained weight all these while- no matter how much I ate. However, I am now in my 30s, and so, my metabolic rate has gone lower, but since I maintained the same way of eating, my weight will now show.

I was told not to bother about all these infos on the internet, which can be quite overwhelming, but to do just this:

Walk, just walk don't run, but don't pause in between - for 30 minutes, 3 times a week, consistently for one month.

He said that as a mom, who's also got a business to run, this activity can easily be done, also with kids. Let them ride on a bicycle with you, or walk together.

Once I've succeeded with that, then only move on to other exercises (or not) because according to him, just that can also make me lose weight. Also to monitor on my food intake.

Following the sunnah of the Prophet who also loved to walk in a fast pace, and to make sure we stop eating before we feel full.

Sounds easy and achieve-able.

So last Sunday, I did that. I walked around the lake near our house, 3 rounds altogether - which totalled up to about 40 minutes instead. I should stick to 2 rounds next time. However, that 3 rounds of walk seemed like forever for me. But you know what helped? Someone's 'Good Music' playlist on Spotify and also the constant chanting my head that says "You gotta get out of that comfort zone to be able to succeed!"

Some say you need 30 days to develop a new habit or to change. Some say 60 days. I will start with 30 days. Wish me luck!

Day 1 of Ramadhan. Ahlan Wa Sahlan (Welcome) Ramadhan!

I've always love writing, and Mr. said that sometimes, he feels like I've lost myself because I don't write like how I used to - so I don't express myself, and ending up being moody with everyone else. Honestly, I always have things to say, and so sometimes I write them down in my phone. But being discipline to write, has always been that challenge, because I'm too "busy" with life.

Ramadhan is always a good month to start new habits and intentions. And because we wake up for suhoor around 5am in the morning, I thought, why not I set the target to just write, every morning after my suhoor and Fajr prayers?

This was also inspired by a cousin of mine, who's been writing daily since 1st of January, because she believes in 'creating habits' - and the Mr. told me about how successful people have a daily morning routine - while mine is pretty haywire everyday.

As I write this, I'm fighting to keep awake, but I need to, because:

1) Struggle needs to happen in order to change or be better.

2) I actually realized that when I sleep right after eating suhoor, I end up being sluggish and hungry when I wake up again.

Point 2 was backed up by Mr's Personal Trainer (PT) when he said that if you sleep after sahoor, your mouth will produce a saliva with a certain chemical/hormone (can't remember now) that will signal your body to feel hungry. Also read somewhere that if you sleep right after a big meal especially when it involves high carb food - your insulin level will suddenly shoot high and then suddenly low a few hours later, leaving you super hungry.

Ahhh.. so sleepy. But yes, the sun is out now. I got minutes left before the kids get up. Will write more tomorrow.

Check out these tips to stay awake after suhoor:

I've started signing up for yoga last month. When I heard that its just all-girls, and only like 2 mins walk from home, and early 7am in the morning (when the kids are still sleeping) - I said "Hey this sounds like a good start!" So I thought of giving it a try at first, but didn't expect that I'd actually like it! I guess I underestimated yoga at first. 5mins after the start of class, I was already sweating like crazy and ended up with body aches the next 3 days.

Yoga changed my life after that. I noticed that I look forward waking up and start doing 5 minutes of yoga before the start of the day. I'm not sure how, but I also became more efficient, waking up before the kids, and then doing some house chores, and getting the kids school bags and breakfast ready before they wake up.

And then I started thinking about how sloppy I've been, being married and with the kids, and maybe I should start looking after myself now. And then today, I bought myself a sports bra (and a whole set of yoga attire), and when I was trying out, I looked at myself in the mirror, and realized how my body is out of shape, and how there's tummy fat which makes me look 'unhealthy and sloppy'. I have also gained weight, to a weight that I've never reached before.

Genetically, I am tall and lanky, and since I've slowly changed my wardrobe to be more muslimah-friendly, my attire's been quite lose and baggy and it makes me look even more skinnier. So I always get comments like "Oh but you're so thin after two kids!" and to be honest, I didn't really do anything to get that figure. Thin doesn't mean healthy, and those comments are the ones stopping me from leading a healthy life. I'm too lazy to exercise, I eat a lot of junks, I do not control my intakes because "hey i'm thin"

But today, when I saw myself in the mirror, it hit me a little more. It shouldn't be just yoga. I really should exercise. Yes I'm thin, but its sooo out of shape and it looks like I didn't take care of my own body, which is actually Allah's gift for me. It is an amanah.