Last night, just before sleeping, I'm not sure how it started but somehow me and Mr. got into a little argument, with me pouring out my heart, about how unhappy I was, and how heavy I feel the weight on my shoulder is. I was crying and crying and crying saying things like "If only.." . Of course it then led on to some blaming games on who's right and who's wrong and a lot of "You, you and you," and "Me, me and me" - and then after 5 minutes of quiet time, Mr. said something that made everything clearer to me.
"You know, whatever it is you're feeling, have you ever bowed and cried to Allah, asking him for help? Do you know that He can provide it to you, if you ask for it?"
He was saying a lot of things for the next 2 hours or so, but it made me realize that I have been getting things pretty easy in this Dunya all this while. All I needed to do was to put a little effort, and then I'll get it. But somehow, life now, with the business that involves the Deen, and a business that involves my husband and the whole family, I have been putting effort, but with no significant impact or results. I just keep trying and trying, working hard, or working smart - you tell me, I think I've done it all. But the results are the same.
"You want Akhirah right? That was what you were seeking when you met me right? So if you want the Akhirah, Allah will have to test you, in order to elevate your imaan. But if you've been practicing the religion the same way that you've been doing it from your high school years, from your uni years, how will Allah reward you with something different? Yes, in terms of Dunya, you have been working hard, but what about it terms of the Deen?" Mr. reminded me.
I was putting Dunya on my shoulders - searching for temporary happiness - looking for perfection. And it keeps disappointing me. And when it comes to the Deen, yes, I have been practicing, but the same thing. I haven't done any extras, or really seek for His help.
"Lets give it another two more months. Work hard, and pray hard. Let's see how things turn out," he challenged me.
Of course there were more deeper conversations, involving how the brand represents us, and that me, him, the business, all should be aligned with the same purpose - to Jannah.
"Let go, leave your "what if's" because Allah has set things the way they are. Trust the process, trust Allah,"
..................................
At the end of all that, we slept at 4, with me saying "Thank you, for reminding me again, why I chose to marry you 8 years ago, "
