rawakramblings

Sorry to dear men as this post will be a little too personal for you to read, you may choose to not continue reading it but if you're a husband who wants to help your wife in weaning off, sorry for too many boobies talk ya ;)

Success! Success! Success!

Syukur alhamdulillah.....!

Such a relief! No screaming. No crying. No tantrums.

Yesteraday, after talking to some other breastfeeding mummies in my office, I texted Mr. and said "Okay tonight, leave it to me. I'm going to try something else..."

After dinner + desserts, we arrived home around 9pm. Mr. brought back a toy car for Aisya tonight so she was excitedly playing it with her other yellow school bus and black range rover. I took some nescafe powder and made a paste out of it. Went into the toilet and put the paste all around nipple area.

(It turns out that the night before, I was using powder so of course she didn't really taste the coffee and kept on drinking!)

I went out and said "Aisya.. come here, mummy needs to tell you something,"

She looked at me. Then I pulled up my top and she got excited. Then I showed her my breast and said to her "Aisya, look... mummy pain..mummy aww..." Then her excited look changed to disgusted. Her 20 months best-friend is now all black and ugly.

"Aww....aww..." she said slowly and cluelessly. Then she held my top and close it back..and said "Aww..." Then she ran away and continued playing with some other toys.

Many times after that, she came over to me and said "Awww? Aww?" and then pulled my shirt and when I showed her again, she said "Oo...awww...." and continued playing again. She even pat my face (eventhough it felt more like a push haha)

Then when it was time to sleep, she went restless. Such a pity! Usually I would say "Okay. .time to sleep!" and she'll go to her sleeping area and pull my hand and I will nurse her to sleep. This time around, she pulled my hand to her sleeping area, she laid down and then suddenly remembers that "aww" and then she stood back up again.. running around aimlessly. She pulled my hand out of the room, asking to watch cartoon, and then suddenly asking to be carried, and then ran around, and kept on scratching her head, yawning, rubbed her eyes....she was just lost. Kesian sangat...

But she didn't asked for milk.. at all! She understood that her mummy was in pain but she didn't know how to sleep! (I've read somewhere that learning to sleep is actually a skill that kids need to learn without assistance from parents). So after about 30 mins or so, I picked her up and brought her out to the balcony and hum Barney's I Love You.. about 5mins later, she dozed off to sleep, without wanting to be nursed!  I felt soooo happyyy!

I prayed for a smooth night as I knew that she will wake up again later. At around 2am, she walked to our bed, asking for milk. I then told her that "Mummy awwww" and she just looked at me and then she laid her head next to me and fell asleep again. Alhamdulillah.

Then at 5am, she woke up again, this time sounding restless, and so I thought that maybe she was hungry. Mr went to make her milk and pass it back and she resisted. She put her hands under my top and got some nescafe paste on her hands and decided not to drink.

Then I had to bring her out and watch some cartoon while she doze off to sleep again. She was restless and lost but she didn't know what to do. All I could do was just entertain her and kept on distracting her and tried my best to make her happy.

This morning on the way to send her to my mom's, she pulled my shirt wanting some milk and I said "Mummy awww" and she understood right away and just continued playing with her Barney CD.

I need to try this again for the next few night and insyaAllah she will just get over it after a week.

Sometimes you forget that your child has grown up and can understand situations and feelings. She didn't even get to taste the bitterness of the nescafe! Just letting her understand that her mummy is in pain helps. Or maybe the disgusted look of the nipple hahaha.

After the tiring episode during the 1st night, we've decided to try out a different method.

Aisya fell asleep in the car on the way back from Subang Parade, so putting her to sleep was not a problem.

"Okay so tonight, I will sleep outside ok?," I told Mr. We discussed a little bit more on how to tell her that I'm not home and I'm away etc. 10pm.

At 12.30 am, I heard her cry. "Okay, she's up, bismillah...". Her cries went really really crazy this time around. She was screaming loudly, banging on the door numerous times..and it hurts me really bad to just sit still and listen to all that.

After about 10 minutes, Mr. called me and whispered for me to go out of the house. He will be bringing Aisya out to prove that mummy is not around. I, on the other hand, stayed at the balcony, listening to the traffic sound of the Federal Highway.. which was quite okay as I cannot hear her cry. Mr called my phone and told me to speak to Aisya..so I told her "Sorry Aisya, mummy needs to work.. Aisya go watch cartoon k.." and she heard me saying that and then suddenly screamed and screamed even louder. Oh myyy....*criessss*

I stayed for another 10 minutes or so and I slowly went back in. Everything is back quiet, alhamdulillah. I went back to the sofa bed and tried to sleep back. And then suddenly another scream woke me up! 2am! She's awake again. Banging on the doors loudly. This time around I couldn't take it anymore. I quickly tried the other method that was a little bit euwww...I put some coffee on my breast and went straight to the room.

She saw me and rightaway kept quiet and laid her head on my shoulder. And then she started crying again, showing me the bed, asking me to sleep. I tried to distract her from the breast but that didn't work. She was already throwing tantrums (something that I've been controlling and never seen her doing so.. this episode managed to leash the tantrum in her...argh!)
So I gave in, hoping that she'll reject the bitter taste of nescafe. Surprisingly, she just kept on drinking! Nescafe susu kot!

Method No.2 - FAILED!

After she went back to sleep, me and Mr. were discussing in bed..What were we thinking? That our kid was stoooopid?? Of course she knows her mummy is around. Its at night! She KNOWS which is why she was rebelling and screaming. And the other problem with this method is that even after a week of us sleeping seperately, she will still remember the breast when I come to sleep back with her. This method definitely is not recommended for toddlers. Babies yes, but definitely not toddlers. They're too smart.

This morning, she woke up, and smiled and hugged me. Which was very very comforting, knowing that after all of that 'torturing', she still loves me *dramatic mummy*.  However, I really miss her in the office today, feeling very very bad for making her cry so badly...*even more dramatic mummy*



I've talked to some other mummies today and I will be trying something else tonight. Wish me luck!

We've decided to wean off Aisya.

So tonight, when she woke up, hoping to nurse back to sleep, I had to tell her that "you're a big girl now" and she just kept on crying and crying. It was a battle. She kept on pulling my top and pushing away her bottle and I had to keep on distracting her with her favourite youtube clips, singing to her itsy bitsy spider and carrying her around the house to rock her back to sleep. Finally after 2 hours, she finally gave in. She showed her bottle and said "susu...". She drank all 5ounce and went back straight to sleep. Fuhhhh.

All throughout the 2 hours, it breaks my heart seeing her cry because as hard as this is on her, it is hard on me too. 20 months of nursing her had created a bond that only another
nursing mother would understand. It feels like a break-up. I will definitely miss the moments.

Everywhere people tell you the good side of breastfeeding but no one warns you that weaning off is THIS hard! Or is it just me?

I hope and pray that tomorrow night would be a better night, may Allah ease it for both of us.

It has been two nights straight that Aisya sleeps at 9pm and wakes up around 8am. But last night, she decided to wake up around 10pm and walked aimlessly out of the room and joined me and Mr watch 'Kusinero Cinta' on Astro Mustika... still in that sleepy mode.

And then, she started reading and asking for the cheesecake that I was enjoying..Back in my head, "What? Cheesecake late at night? Not for you!" but then again my heart was saying...'Awww... she wants some cake..." and so I fed her some. Until she grabbed away my spoon and fed herself even more cheesecake and not giving me back!

A few weeks back...

After that, she got excited and then started taking the flashcards on the floor and blubbering some baby language that I dont understand and then she took her animal book and called Mr. to read to her. She pulled my hand into her playroom and started drawing on the blackwall. And then played with her car and some other toys and then after quite some time, I started yawning...."Aisya.. okay.. its sleeping time.."

She usually gets it. And she will run straight to her mattress and lie down. But last night, she didn't want to. She grabbed Mr's hands and asked him to join her too.

I gave up. I said "Ok, Goodnight." and left the two of them playing.

This has happened a few times before actually. Sometimes she wakes up at 3 or 4am, inviting us to play with her; watch cartoon or read a book and we will take turns in doing that.

I'm not sure how long after that but suddenly Aisya climbed up onto out bed, and pulled my top, asking to nurse. Yes, that's a sign that she wants to sleep. I usually nurse her to sleep. And so while she was halfway asleep, I said "I think it's the cheesecake," and Mr said,

"No dear... she misses us. She wants to play with us. The past two nights, she just spent a lot of time with us over the weekend but tonight, she misses us,"

And then.. I went to sleep thinking about all those times that she's been waking us up, and the limited amount of time we spend with her throughout weekdays..that un-explainable feeling; I feel bad. But then again, that's just how it is with working parents. Which is why we try our best to make time for her in the evening after work and also during the weekend and plan for holidays - to make up for the lost time.

Morning walk we had last week at the Subang Lake

But is that really how its supposed to be done? You can't get everything, right? Some say, quality is better than quantity? Its not about how much time you spend, but how you spend that limited time you have. Is it so?

Its events like this that motivates me more in making our business grow. That HOPE of having the flexible family time, not MORE time.. but FLEXIBLE time. Please make dua for us.